Disconnect

I’m sorry…the blog you have dialed has been temporarily disconnected…due to the owner of said blog temporarily losing her freakin’ mind. If you think you’ve misdialed…well, you probably haven’t.

I know how much we enjoy a good interview and since I’ve opened the door to Blogville and no-one’s on the other side, I’ll just have to do this myself.

(Sighs dramatically. Takes deep, cleansing breath--like they do on all those exercise videos I never do—and prepares to go into her multiple-personality-mode)

Interviewer: “Okay. So, WTF? You’d better be short a limb or something for being gone so freakin’ long. No email, no tweet, no nothing? You just…drop off like that? Is that how your mother raised you??”

Kathryn (Surprised): “What? Yikes. Crap. I guess this is what they mean by us being the hardest on ourselves. Lighten up a little, will you? And kudos for wishing me the loss of a limb. Way to make me feel loved.”

I: “Don’t turn this back on me. Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do. Spill.”

K: “Ahem. Okay. MY DAD IS OKAY. HE’S OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND HAS BEEN LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY PLACED IN AN ASSISTED LIVING ENVIRONMENT WHERE HE CAN LEAD A PRODUCTIVE LIFE WHILST BEING MONITORED AND RECORDED. WAIT. JUST MONITORED…NOT RECORDED.”

I (Wincing): “Why are you shouting at me? Inside voice, Kathryn.”

K: “Oh…sorry. I’ve been talking to an 81-year-old for a while now. If you don’t speak up, you wind up repeating yourself a lot. Actually, you wind up yelling and repeating yourself, so it’s kinda moot, now that I think about it. Do you want me to get you some Jell-o?”

I: “Um, no. Although I could go for a pudding cup, if you’re asking.”

K: “I’m not. The family stuff has been intense. Plus working fulltime and doing the whole Mom-thang.”

I: “What does that involve, exactly?”

K: “Are you mocking? Don’t mock the Mom-thang. Laundry. Grocery shopping. Cleaning. Cooking.”

I: “Cooking?”

K: “Cleaning. Laundry…”

I: “Yeah, I thought so. Hard to lie to yourself, right?”

K: “Bite me.”

I: “Wow. Someone’s cranky.”

K: “But I’m…(tries to think of something positive)…adequately hydrated.”

I: “What?”

K: “Huh?”

I: “So, are you back for good? Or, are you going to disappear again? Because it’s very inconsiderate…and more than a little rude.”

K: (Sniffs) “Well, I hadn’t planned it this time. Things happen. Sometimes, life throws you a 180 and you need to sink before you get what you give.”

I: “What? What the hell?? Only you could take three metaphors and turn them into a run-on sentence with no meaning whatsoever.”

K: “Bite me.”

I: “Okay. That’s getting old. And it’s not very ladylike, either. You need to work on that.”

K: “Ya think? Maybe I should focus on removing any negativity from my life as well. Shed the winter blues, as it were.” (Looks interviewer up and down)

I: “Yes, I suppose that’s one way to go. Or, you could not bite the hand that’s worth two in the bush and have yourself a merry little Christmas. Now.”

K: “I like the way you think. But can I go to bed? I'm pooped. Start fresh tomorrow?”

I: “Sure. Just promise everyone you’re back for good. So they won’t worry.”

K: “I’m back…I don’t want any. More. Drama. Just calm, boring stuff. Woot.”

I: “So, you remember how to get back to this here internet? ‘Cause you’ll need to come back and check in periodically…just to be neighborly…”

K: “Very funny.”

I: “And you'll have to show up more than once a week, or these virtual cobwebs’ll be back quicker than you can say ‘Kathrynville’.”

K: “Okay… I get it.”

I: “I don’t want to have to come back here again. Now, drive to the store and get me my pudding cup.”

K: “Bite me.”