Scream and Lift

So a while back, I happened upon an article outlining how you could use these facial exercises to perform a non-surgical face-lift. They seemed totally reasonable and completely doable in my spare time, so I thought I’d give them a try.

Not that I need a face-lift or anything….I was actually Googling “How to Face Your Fear of Lifting”…yeah, I’m pretty sure that was it.

Clinton Kelly (MIA of late, temporarily ((albeit incorrectly and prematurely)) presumed deceased, may-he-rest-in-peace), MY IV, author, TV host, public speaker and drinker of anything that includes gin): “You neglected to mention my Macy’s spokesperson gig, my clothing line on QVC, or my seasonal switch to Manhattans in the cooler months. Where is my cocktail, by the way? You said you’d have it ready.”

Kathryn: “No, I did not. You announced in a rather threatening tone that ‘I’d better have it ready when you…’ ...and then the line went dead. I do believe the call was dropped.”

CK: “Huh. Interesting, since I’d emailed you to follow up.”

K: “Really? ‘Cause I heard the server was down today.”

CK: (Eyes suspiciously) “Which server, exactly?”

K: (Blank stare) “Uh. All of them. It was an internal hydrosync of the radical sprinkboob which caused a short in the satellitespleen that conducts the mobility of the paradoxyl spanx-continuum. It’s technical stuff…you wouldn’t understand.”

CK: “I see. So, you’re finally looking into that face lift?”

K: “Bite me. I said I’d found some facial muscle-strengthening exercises online and I’m trying to incorporate them into my day…but it’s not as easy as you’d think.”

CK: (Folds arms) “Okay. I’ll play along. What are you supposed to do?”

K: “I’m glad you asked. The first exercise asks you to open your eyes REALLY WIDE and open your mouth REALLY WIDE and hold it for like, 20 seconds….

…I do believe the hands on the face are optional, though.”

CK: “And what, precisely, is this supposed to do…besides scaring the crap out of anyone who sees you?”

K: “Um. Stretch everything? How the hell should I know? It didn’t explain why…it just said to do it. The second exercise is to purse your lips REALLY HARD like you’re trying to whistle...or maybe kiss something that’s like, 3 feet away...and hold for the prerequisite 20 seconds.”

CK: (Sips his cocktail) “Wow…check out those cheekbones. I wonder if she’s had any work done.”

K: “Ha. You’re missing my entire poi--. HEY. How’d you get that drink?? Never mind…I’ll assume you simply dumped it out of that take-out coffee container you were carrying when you arrived. Now I’m completely re-thinking every time I’ve seen you with ‘coffee’…”

CK: “Do you have a point? This needs freshening.”

K: (Sighs) “Yes, I do. You are then supposed to do some maneuver where you try to look UP, whilst FORCING the back of your head FORWARD...and then reverse it. I just don’t see how one can accomplish this whilst driving.”

CK: (Stares) “Kathryn. You can’t be serious.”

K: “Well, not about the ‘head UP, head DOWN’ part…but the surprised and whistling part? Yeah. Commuting is the perfect time to do them. I’m just wondering what the other commuters will think when they see it.”

CK: (Startled) “You’re doing this in front of other people?? In public??”

K: “’Public’ is a relative term. I am in the privacy of my own vehicle…but, yes…technically, I suppose it’s public domain. Why? Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

CK: (Pauses) “I think someone could get hurt. You’ll either scare the crap out of them or distract the hell out of them and either way, they’ll drive off the road and it’ll be all your fault.”

K: (Thinks) “But, do you think I’d still look younger??”

(CK walks out of the room in response.)

What do you think? Would you do these moves whilst driving and not give a damn what anyone else thinks?? I need to know.