Kleptomediac

So we…along with many others reading this here post…have been spending way too much time in medical facilities. You know, doctor’s offices, hospital rooms, padded psychiatric evaluation cells…whatever. The reasons don’t matter. The point is that I’m we're there…and I’m we're bored.

One time, I was at the eye doctor for my dad. There was no cell phone reception (notice I didn’t say “no cell phones allowed” because, c’mon…who listens to that?)…I had no bars. Not a one.

At one point, they’d kept us waiting just long enough that I decided to use the restroom. Think of it as the party guests' opportunity to sneak a peek into the host's medicine cabinet. Not that I ever do that, mind you.

THAT’S when I remembered that I was out of toilet tissue at home and would have to make a special stop to pick some up.

Or, would I??

Exhibit #1:

There were plenty of them…all neatly lined up. Surely no-one would miss just one? I stuffed it in my father’s duffel bag that he takes on all doctor’s appointments to carry his plethora of lists of medicines taken and medical conditions (past and present and projected) and insurance cards and extra notebook paper and plenty of extra pens, in case his daughter (the writer) doesn't have a pen. Don't even get me started...but I figured if we get caught, who’s gonna yell at at an 80-year-old toilet tissue thief with bad eyes?

Then there was the doctor visit when Taylor broke his hand. The nurse kept going into this cabinet and bringing out these bags that she would karate chop to activate and they’d get cold. I wondered if one could come in handy someday.

Exhibit #2:

Maybe I could keep it in my car for emergencies...I could save someone's severed thumb in a terrible car accident by karate chopping my instant ice bag and gently wrapping said thumb for the harrowing ride in the ambulance. I'd be a hero! And I'd be sure to thank the people at Taylor's doctor's supply cabinet for keeping extras on hand for just such an emergency.

Then my sister Kerry had some problems with her knee. She had several casts and this involved many forms of gauze, tape and plaster. It looked very soft and almost…cloud-like. Cute attendant-guy said I could take some…so this one isn’t really stealing, permanently borrowing, right?

Exhibit #3:

I do believe that cute attendant guy's actual motive for giving me extra was because he could see that I had absolutely zero coordination in controlling my sister's wheelchair and she'd already howled in pain several times as we'd navigated the hallway leading to the examination room. So, in all actuality, he was being very prudent. Don't you think??

We then had a follow-up visit for my sister’s leg and I found myself thinking that it really made no sense to have the gauze if some regular old scotch tape wasn’t gonna stick to it anyway….and my sister bristled at the idea of using rainbow shades of duct tape, which I thought was a stellar idea.

Exhibit #4:

This stuff is really pretty close to duct tape but a yawn in color. On the plus side, it stuck well to the hairs on Taylor's arm when I tested it, so it's a good back-up to my packing-tape-in-place-of-hot-wax-for-hair-removal-Lady-MacGyver idea....so, it's a keeper. Plus, you can wrap a part of your body up and get tons of sympathy from people for unexplained reasons...

Then I had to take Connor to have a strep test done a while back. The nurse used this really long Q-Tip…and I found myself thinking that there were probably at least 847 times I’d wished I’d had a Q-Tip of that exact length.

Exhibit #5:

Oh, c'mon! You know you want 'em. They're great for getting the last little bit of eye cream out from the bottom corner of that bottle that you overpaid for at Macy's...and how about fishing out that drop of ketchup someone accidentally dropped into the vent of the air conditioner whilst simultaneously eating a hot dog and watching someone set off fireworks out the window? Not that this has ever happened...

I must point out that I never considered myself to have a problem of any kind with procuring a seemingly insignificant number of items that surely would never be missed by anyone…anywhere. Surely the benefit to ME would WAY outweigh the odds of anyone realizing they’re short 10 unusually long Q-Tips from a supply cabinet, right?

But then, I accompanied my dad back to the eye doctor for a post-op visit.

Exhibit #6:

There was a whole drawer of them…just sitting there. I could smell that new plastic smell as I slid open the drawer in (you guessed it) the rest room. I don’t know what I was thinking as I deftly slipped one into my bag….other than, “it’s sterile. Maybe I can use it to hold paper clips, or tartar sauce, or something…”

Crap. Okay, so maybe I have an itty-bitty problem.

"Hi. I'm..."Gwendolyn"....and I'm a kleptomediac. I may, possibly, probably need some help."

(Just don’t tell my dad. He’ll never take me anywhere again…)



**Author's edit: To those who were interested, the lovely and talented Lynn @ Allegria Images left the info about that blogger who used the intriguing method of answering comments at the bottom of her next day's posts. Just scroll down to the bottom of the comments under here to see what she had to say. Thanks, Lynn!