Timing & Self Control

There are certain things about timing and self control that I have learned over the years. Not that I'm that old, mind you...we're taking short, youthful years here. Really, they're more like months...now that I think about it. Consider me a prodigy, if you will...capable of gleaning vast amounts of knowledge in an exceptionally short and (did I mention youthful?) period of time.

1) Never, ever go food shopping when you're starving. Consider hunger and supermarkets to be equivalent to asking a recovering alcoholic to wait for you in front of the liquor store on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of a wine tasting. You should know you're asking for trouble. You'll find yourself taking on the persona of a personal shopper for every cooking show on The Food Network and will mentally formulate sophisticated meals in your head and feel compelled to load up the cart with every possible ingredient necessary to create said meals. You'll also clear out entire sections of cheeses and fruits for elaborately arranged platters and imagine hoards of guests gushing compliments and accolades, while you 'aw,pish' them whilst secretly thinking, "YES. I ROCK. I AM OFF THE CHARTS, PHENOMENALLY THE QUEEN OF IMPROMPTU. I ACCEPT THIS AWARD AND WILL WEAR THE ACCOMPANYING CROWN WITH DIGNITY, RESPECT AND PRIDE." Meanwhile, the reality is that two days after shopping, you'll be online...trying to identify two-thirds of what you've purchased and wondering if you can either a) freeze it till you figure out how to use it, or b) can pass it off to someone else, gracefully scamming them into believing you saw it and immediately thought of them..and 'didn't they mention once that they'd wished they could find some of this...here.....stuff?'


2) Never, ever try on clothing when you're bloated or after a large meal. No good can come of it. Sweet, flirty little summer dresses make you look like you're in your fourth month of pregnancy and none of the slacks/skirts will button, resulting in the requirement to go up a size...which will then require the search and consumption of that Snickers bar you keep in the bottom of your bag for just such an emergency.


3) It is not wise to wear your iPod (with no outward sign that you're wearing one) when walking the dog.

There's always that slight risk that your neighbors may call your name and not only be insulted that you're blatantly ignoring them but that you're further adding insult to injury by doing a little jig as if to say, "Not only am I pretending I can't hear you, I'm doing this little dance to further add to your humiliation, basically letting you know that I don't give a crap that you're trying to talk to me." This will lead to confusion on your part when you next see said neighbor and find them giving you the evil eye, turning their back to you completely or worse: confronting you about your lack of social decorum. I say 'worse', because somehow, in your enthusiasm to convince them that you honestly could not hear them, you'll get the distinct sense that they don't believe you...not one bit. This may have something to do with the fact that they are 20 years older and evidently do not own this socially-isolating thing called an iPod and they wouldn't be caught dead dancing any kind of jig whilst walking the dog.

My recommendation for avoiding the above unfortunate moments?

1) Stuff yourself with whatever you can find in the house before you hit the market. Even if you have to resort to that package of Pop-Tarts that's been in the back of the pantry since '04 and that questionable-looking substance in the Tupperware that tastes suspiciously like a homemade version of tartar sauce. Just eat it...all of it. But, whatever you do, do not touch the Snickers in the bottom of your bag.

2) Only try on clothing right after you've recovered from the flu. Après food poisoning or a lower-GI series are also acceptable.

3) There's two ways you can go with this one. Either buy headphones in neon colors and always wear your hear pulled back, so your (hopefully not nearsighted) neighbors can see you're presently incommunicado, or (my personal favorite) SING AS LOUD AS YOU CAN to the song you're grooving to...and to hell with all of 'em.

Hey, you only live once.