Swat

"There was an old lady who swallowed a fly~
I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Perhaps she'll die."

Does anyone remember this song? I have it running through my head right now and I do believe that I can relate to this woman.

(Readers *gasp!* in complete and utter surprise and flabbergas-ted-ness.)

I know it doesn't seem possible. But I'm convinced that if you looked up the ancestral history of Kathrynville, somewhere you might find a photo like this:

(You can practically see the fly's fate written all over his face, can't you?)

Yep. She's definitely someone I can relate to...those exquisite throat-clutching pearls erase any doubt.

For anyone unaware, this old lady does indeed swallow said fly...but she doesn't stop there.

Having an undiagnosed eating disorder, she went on to eat a spider (in a futile attempt to catch the fly) and with no Dr. Phil to talk her down and no Humane Society to protect the animals that most definitely were harmed in the making of this ditty, she then ate (in order, I believe):

• A bird (so absurd) to catch the spider
• A cat (fancy that) to catch the bird
• A dog (what a hog) to catch the cat
• A goat (just opened her throat) to catch the dog
• A cow (I don't know how) to catch the goat

This sweet story ends with the lady feeling she had only one option left to her. Leaving millions of children from the 1950's on up to have unexplained, unresolved sociopathic barnyard issues, she succumbed to her disorder...ate a horse and died.

The irony is that instead of people everywhere being appalled by this tragedy and Lifetime doing a movie of the week, (maybe starring that lady who played Edith Bunker...she'd be good, right?)...or maybe someone wanting to turn it into a reality show after the fact, sending questionnaires to unsuspecting members of her family inquiring:

#1) Do you now, or have you ever, had the urge to dine on ever-increasing-in-sized animals in a vain attempt to capture the smaller-sized animal?

#2) If the answer to #1 is no, would you consider trying it for your own reality show? We pay well...and we can assure that you and your family will never go hungry. Ha! Get it? We crack ourselves up.

Hell, I digressed there for a sec.

My point is that instead of this woman receiving some kind of pill along with some talk-therapy, or hell, maybe surgery...everyone watched as she just kept eating larger animals to rid herself of yet another unintended oops. I guess they felt if they intervened, then they wouldn't have this wonderful children's story to tell. Or sing. Or whatever.

Remember, this all started with that stupid fly. She had a little problem...and she unintentionally kept making it bigger and bigger, when all she was trying to do was to keep that fly from wreaking havoc on her very delicate digestive tract.

So the lesson here? When I checked with Dr. Phil for his input, he responded with, "First of all, that fly was protein. But, that's not the point. She needed to understand that the fly buzzing annoyingly around her awoke a much deeper, yet unrecognized eating disorder that would have required years of therapy to truly understand...bring out into the open and to ultimately, resolve."

My take on it? If you have a problem, (i.e.: the fly) try and take care of it before it requires many other steps to fix it.

Oh, and go buy yourself a good fly swatter.