Ruthless Rain

Since it’s been raining non-stop for 94 days , 94 hours , a really long time, I thought I’d take this opportunity to talk about some things we associate with rain. And to help me, I’ve invited Bill Nye the Science Guy:

Bill Nye the Science Guy: “Wow….me? I’m…I’m…flabbergasted…and honored to be asked. I mean, to be among the greats like Bill Gates and Oprah- - -"

Kathryn: “Yeah...they were unavailable. Let’s move on to discussing the rainy weather, shall we? This first photo comes to us from…well, me. I took it whilst driving, so it’s all sorts of random...but that’s okay. It’s an interesting cloud formation…scientific name 'FluffyPuffious-FilledWithRainiousOverMyHeadious'. Bill? Comments?”

BNTSG: “Um. Well. Is it safe to take photos with your cell while driving? And that’s not technically the scientific name for any cloud. I think you mean-"

Kathryn: “Thanks, Bill! Pick up the pace a little, buddy. Our readers haven’t got all day. This particular bug, called a slug with the scientific name (shoots Bill withering look) 'SquishyEwDon’tStepOnItGross-isitis':

…is indigenous to areas that receive a lot of rain.”

BNTSG: “Nice use of the word ‘indigenous’.”

Kathryn: “Thanks. I know my words, ya know. Another animal that loves the rain would be our friend the duck, who I’d previously named Muk…scientific name (shoots another withering look) 'DuckSaysWTF?!':

Now, flowers looooove the rain. Take for example, these 'TulipFlipMotherNatureTheBirdTimesTree-it isssss'...although, I do believe the sun is out in this shot. I think we've got some 'FakeRainWhataFreakin'Rip-off-osiosis' here, people...":

BNTSG: “Now, we humans are not as fond of Mother Nature’s mizzly spritzing as our friends in the animal/plant families…”

Kathryn: “That’s right, Bill.” (Whispers, “Mizzly spritzing? Seriously??”) “Hair frizz (‘GeezMyHairLooksLikeCrapiositis’) is the number one reason that people resort to buying wigs…or…wearing hats….as seen by this photo of Thelma Coolidge, circa 1883”:

BNTSG: (Whispers) “Wow. That photo’s from 1883?”

Kathryn: (Whispers back) “I have no idea. I found it online.”

BNTSG: “Fortunately for us, we have a variety of rain-gear-attire to choose from…”:

Kathryn: “Including the ‘Bizarr-oWhatWereTheyThinkingNeedaPedicureSTAT-iosis” line of footwear:

“Followed by the ‘CowsLiketheRain'CauseTheyLoseAllThosePeskyFlies-isistis’-inspired line of footwear”:

BNTSG: “MOOO!”

Kathryn: “Seriously? Of course, some people simply take it too far, as seen here in this classic example of ‘We’reInCompleteDenialAndThinkWeLookHOT-isitis’ gone horribly, terribly wrong on SO many levels”:

BNTSG: “Wow. Check out those socks…”

Kathryn: “I doubt anyone’s looking at their socks. For those who prefer to be rained on indoors, there’s the ‘BigRipoffYouCouldGetThisForFreeOusideYouSchmuck-ilionica’ method of getting your drippy-drip fix...

...which brings us to the poetry portion of our show…”

BNTSG: (Confused) “Poetry? No-one said anything about poetry. I’m not prepared…”

Kathryn: “It’s okay. I’ve got it covered” (Clears her throat…folds her hands delicately):

When it starts to rain~
Some people feel pain~
In their joints~
Though it’s hard to…pinpoint~

The rain makes everything nice and green~
Like a brand new piece of spearmint Dentene~
The rain falling down can lull you to sleep~
Or make you depressed…and then you might weep~
And wonder whatever became of the sun~
And consider relocating and raising bison~

For wonder not what became of...Cousteau~
Just glance at the sky for a pretty rainbow!

The crowd bursts into thunderous applause. Amidst shouts of “ENCORE! and GENIUS!!!”, Kathryn concludes that her words have touched many lives…and that all this talk of rain means she needs to pee.

Here’s to dancing in the rain!