Bad Guy, Chickie and the Hole

Lately, insomnia thinks it’s my bff. (That’s best friends forever, for anyone unaware.) This has resulted in many hours of late-night channel surfing, the latest of which had me entangled in the web of back-to-back murder mysteries. Even in my sleep-deprived state, the ironies are not lost on me. The fact that I’m replacing dialogue for the people on the teevee at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning tells you that this content is ripe with possibilities for me to make fun.

Here’s a typical scenario:

Girl meets guy.
They fall in love.
They get married.
They fall out of love.
They separate.
Girl moves into her own pad.
Girl starts dating another guy.
Girl goes missing.

(Insert ominous music here.)

So, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking what I was thinking. You’re thinking the soon-to-be-ex did away with her and then stole her Victoria’s Secret lingerie and cherry-red four-inch-heel stilettos so he could travel the country in the hit burlesque show, “Sur-prise! Nude Guys! We Bump & Grind Before Your Eyes!” (I know that’s what I was thinking.)

You’d be wrong. Hubby had an airtight alibi…and he was a nice guy. How do I know? I just do…it’s a gift. Besides, the investigating people told me….but I already knew, ‘cause of my special gift and all.

It seems the guy that chickie was dating was a bad, bad man who fancied a particularly deep hole in the ground that was hidden off a road in the forest. Fortunately for law enforcement, this guy was not the brightest bulb in the chandelier…not the sharpest crayon in the box…the light is on, but nobody’s home: He told his best friend, his father, the guy at Starbucks and the guy who reads his electric meter about his fascination for the really big hole in the forest….even took his dad there and showed him the really big, completely random hole. When law enforcement contacted the dad, they inquired that if his son were to dispose of…say…I dunno….a body, where would he put it? The dad drew them a map and guess what they found in the bottom of the hole?

Uh-huh.

Then bad man goes on spending spree, gets caught on tape at ATM…yada, yada.

There’s always this moment when you freakin’ KNOW the guy did it…the person interviewing him knows he did it….hell, even the people who just tuned in know he did it…and the reporter says to the guy, “Did you shoot chickie girl and throw her into that really deep hole in the woods?” And instead of the usual indignant “no, no, no”, I’m waiting for the time the guy says, “Wow, Tom. Ya know, no-one ever asked me that question in quite that way before! I cannot tell a lie on national television in front of my whole entire community and my Aunt Thelma up in Myrtle Beach and my third grade teacher, Mrs. Agnes Twitterdiddle from Snickerville Elementary School. I confess….the hole told me to do it.”

…And then he’d cop an insanity plea and be released in 5-7 years after having his guilty verdict overturned due to the fact that he swears what he actually said was, “The hotel maid did it.” The reporter, the camera man, the director and the sound guy were all unavailable for comment.