Unreal

I’ve come to the conclusion that most things internet-related are one step removed from civility and therefore, reality.

Clinton Kelly (My ever-witty IV): “I would love to own something in Miami.”

Kathryn (Confused): “What? What the hell? I said re-al-ity….not re-alty.”

CK: “Oh. Then scratch that Miami comment…although I’d still like to look around.”

K: “Um. Okay. We’re getting way off-topic. I’m talking about internet manners. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. We’ll talk Florida real estate another time.”

CK: “That’s what you always say. Whatever. Talk internet civility. I’m all ears.”

K: “Well. I just feel like we’ve moved into such an ‘Immediate Society’. …ya know?? We email, we scan and email…we write letters, then attach them to email…everything is going paperless…and the common rules of etiquette don’t seem to apply. I think we need to create a list of rules and regulations that will apply across the board to any and all Internet Socializers….whether for business or pleasure. Are you on board?”

CK: “'Socializers' is not a word.”

K: “It’s a word if I say it’s one….don’t pay attention to the red ziggity-zaggity line underneath the word. There…see? It doesn’t think ziggity-zaggity is a word, either. Clearly, it’s not updating.”

CK (Chuckles): “Clearly. So, you want to create a list?”

K: “Yes, but not just any list. It’ll be THE list. That everybody has to follow….or ya know, or else.”

CK: “Or else…what?”

K: “Or else I call Bill and we pull ‘em off the internet. No. More. Internet. Poof! You’re done….banned…it’s like you never existed.” (Waves arms in dramatic magician-like motion)

CK: “So, you’re going to be the Internet Police? Are you sure you’ve got the energy? It sounds time-consuming…and just a tad overzealous...”

K: “God, no. I’m not doing it. People can police themselves. I’m all about making up the rules. If they get caught, they’re on their own. Are you ready?”

CK: “No. I need a large cocktail and maybe a nice wedge of cheese...perhaps a Jarlsburg...and some cracked pepper and poppy water crackers…”

K: “In a minute. Let’s work out the rough draft first. This could potentially affect millions of people. This is no time to dilly-dally….”

Rules and Regulations That Will Apply Across the Board to Any and All Internet Socializers….(whether for business or pleasure)

• When someone sends you an email, you must respond within 48 hours. If you do not respond within 48 hours, you are subject to severe ramifications….set herein.*

(CK: “What? ‘Set herein’? What does that even mean?”)

(K: “It’s Internet-Legal-Slang for ‘you’ll be in a crapload of trouble and un-named people will come to your house at an un-specified time and take away all chocolate from the premises and make you watch reruns of BJ and the Bear until you just. want. to die’.”)

• If you send someone an attachment, it must be in the ‘compatible Word 97-2003’ so that others can open it. No-one needs to be subjected to seeing a message that says that you’re ‘unable to view the attached document ‘cause you didn’t spring for the newest, latest, spectacular version of Word’. It’s rude…and arrogant…and supercilious. Play nice…be compatible, people. Otherwise, you are subject to severe ramifications*. See above.

(CK: “You’ve just said ‘rude’ three different ways. You might want to fix that.”)

(K: “I’m fully aware. Who Googled ‘legal jargon’ last night? You…or me?? I'm on a roll. Let me finish.”)

• If you’re on Blogger and Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn and MySpace and Guru and BlogHer, well…bully for you. However, it’s not really fair to expect the rest of us to keep up. Eventually, somebody’s gonna disappoint you. It will probably be ME. I’m apologizing ahead of time. I, however, will not be subject to ramifications….as Bill and I are like this. (Demonstrates two fingers crossed…displaying a bond that cannot be broken.)

K: “That’s it. You may notify the authorities that this is being entered into law on this, the second day of March…in this here two thousand and ten. Hence this official-looking, goopy wax, holographic, slightly pornographic seal. I’m off to get my Internet Law Degree.”

Over and out.