Ripped Off

Anyone who knows me...knows I am a lover of anything tropical.

Palm trees? Love.

White sandy beaches? Serious love.

Frosty margarita, whilst lounging under a Tiki hut, whilst staring at a turquoise ocean?? Nirvana.

So, it would stand to reason that my January purchase of “A 16-Month 2010 Calendar” entitled “Paradise” would not only fit the bill…but send me straight to tropical heaven.

You would think. But then, I wouldn’t have this post…now would I??

First off, I suppose it’s technically a 16-month calendar….but only because they put 4 months, sans photos, in the front of the calendar:

But, really….how fair is this…when you’re buying the calendar the end of December??

Say it with me now: “Rip off.”

I now turn your attention to February. What is wrong with this photo? (Feel free to click on any of these photos to enlarge...and get the full-on, mind-blowing effect):

Don’t feel bad if you don’t get it right away….although, I’m guessing Allegria’s got a big 'ole grin on her face. I didn’t notice this until three weeks into the month.

Let’s just say that somebody has Photoshop…and they don’t know when to stop. I was staring at this photo (instead of the ever-present snow outside) and I suddenly realized that this is the worst piece of Photoshop crap ever. That waterfall could double as an ice flow…there’s an inordinate amount of unexplained white, foamy water down below…and WAIT! THERE’S A HUGE TIDAL WAVE HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE CAMERA!!!

RUN AWAY, CAMERA MAN!! RUN AWAY!!!!!

Let’s all say it together: “Rip off.”

Then, I flipped over to March:

Okay. WTF? Did your hand fall asleep? Am I the only one who thinks this…what I can only believe is some kind of coral formation…is just a tad, I dunno…out of freakin’ place?? Isn’t that some kind of a hazard for like, boats and stuff? Is it an underwater table? You know…like those swim-up bars? That would be convenient...

Here’s May:

What’s wrong with the water? Are those wispy clouds in there? Or maybe piranha?! Or is it some kind of swirling acid? Maybe you were ON acid when you worked on this?? Even the sky looks screwed up….what the hell did you people do??

“Major rip-off.”

November:

Again…you couldn’t just leave the ocean alone? What was wrong with the original that you had to go and mess with it? Were there rocks in the sand? ‘Cause that weird-colored, stripey version is So. Much. Better.

And so, in conclusion…you, Paradise calendar…have ruined what I’m sure were originally some top-notch photos of some pretty fabulous places.

Sometimes, more is not better. Sometimes…more is just…wrong.

Please be advised that I will hereby be skipping the months of March, May and November of 2010 due to…technical difficulties. Please adjust your calendars accordingly.

I’ll alert the authorities.

(“Hello? Father Time?”)