Body Morph

So, I’ve returned. And we didn’t blow up a thing, you’ll be happy to note. That’s not to say that we didn’t have our share of obstacles:

We shut the main power to the house. The plan was simple: Change the present setup of two light switches/2 fixtures to two light switches/3 fixtures. This is the switch at the top of the stairs. Laura wanted a sconce about 2 feet above this switch.

“Do you think we can we do it?” asks Laura.

“Sure. How hard can it be?” I reply.

One trip to the home improvement center later and I can say in no uncertain terms that it’s not so easy. We installed the new fixture…even thought to make sure it worked before closing everything back up. Flipped the switch ON: light! Flipped the switch OFF: dark. We were golden.

It never occurred to us to make sure the other two fixtures remained ON and OFF as well.

Our bad.

I mean… major fail.

This saga is to be continued…as it will take some Googling to get to the crux of the problem. And the crux shall be gotten to…believe me. This ain’t over, light switch. You are not the boss of me.

Meanwhile, my mind kept wandering and I got to thinking about body images. Last night, I’d seen Eva Longoria Parker, (of Desperate Housewives fame)...

...talk about what was required before she left the house each day. She said something about false eyelashes, makeup, spanx and hair extensions.

False eyelashes? Okaaaay…like this?

(Note to Margarete: We need to hit Sephora again!)

Makeup? Check. Hair extensions? Well, I know what they are…but I’ve never had ‘em…ya know, implanted or anything. You mean her hair isn’t naturally that long and luxurious and…flowy? Huh. But spanx? WTF is a spanx? Is this something one does? Or is it done to them? Is it expensive? Is it illegal? Can I still sing professionally if I’ve used them? (No, I don’t sing professionally now…but I want to keep my options open.)

Well. Here is Spanx:

As you can plainly see, this model has good reason to need Spanx…as she is grossly flabby and misshapen….not.

Spanx are evidently “shapewear”. And lest you guys think we’ve hit female territory, observe:

You heard him. “GAME ON.” A compression undershirt….now, you can let it all hang out…or, not. Again, I can tell how grossly overweight this male model is…he must be embarrassed to be seen in public…with those enormous love handles and huge beer-gut. It’s grotesque….I can’t even look at him.

So, evidently this Spanx is a common contributor to the flat abs, trim thighs and tight butts of many a celeb. Were you aware of this?? Alas, I was not. I was under the misguided impression that these people worked out…like, 6 hours a day, with the result being rock-hard abs and a butt so tight you could bounce a quarter off of it.

If I understand this correctly, I am at a crossroads in my life. I figure I’ve got about 5-7 lbs of winter weight gain that’s located squarely in my belly (my dreaded trouble-zone, thankyouverymuch) and evidently, a hundred crunches a day are not my only option! I can Spanx those unwanted pounds away without a lick of exercise! Hang on…let me get a Hostess Cupcake whilst we consider this possibility….(I really don’t eat Hostess Cupcakes…not.)

…and, excuse me, Hostess….but what the hell happened to the paper cups??

What kind of chemical did you have to include in the recipe to omit these paper cups? Hmmm? I’m waiting for an answer.

Now, where was I? Oh, the Spanx. So, what I would like to know is this: Would you forgo any kind of exercise regime and opt for the Spanx way of life? And if you are a lover-of-the-Spanx, does this mean you probably won’t be hitting a gym anytime soon?

I guess what I’m wondering is…“Once you’ve discovered Spanx, is this the end of body angst?”