Very Superstitious

For those of us without significant others, Happy Chinese New Year!


Naturally, this whole New Year’s thing got me thinking about superstitions…

Clinton Kelly (Pragmatic-to-a-fault IV-extraordinaire…looks up from doing paperwork): “Wait…what? Rewind, kiddo. ‘Naturally’? How so, exactly?”

Kathryn: “Easy. Chinese to Chinese food. Chinese food to fortune cookies….which aren’t really fortunes at all anymore…which, by the way is a real pet peeve of mine….’cause they should really be called ‘proverb cookies’ ‘cause they always say something like ‘Man who speaks softly and carries big stick isn’t allowed on airplane’ which, you have to admit is really stupid. I wonder if the fortune cookie industry was bought out by people who do not understand what the word ‘fortune’ actually means…you’d think they would have Googled the word before they decided to screw up an entire industry. I'm just sayin'...”

CK: (Stares) “What does this have to do with superstitions?”

K: “I’ve just told you. Weren’t you listening?”

CK: (Sighs….puts down pen.) “Evidently not. Okay…what did I miss?”

K: “Nothing. But yesterday I saw an episode of Platinum Weddings and it was raining and that got me thinking about Stevie Wonder and the new VW ad.”

CK: “Ah. Because Stevie Wonder sang the song ‘Superstitious’. I’m more than a little disturbed that I’ve made this connection so easily…you are definitely rubbing off on me.”

K: “Thank you….that means that you are a very lucky man. Do you realize how many superstitions there are out there? And how, even though we feel kind of foolish for doing it, we still don’t want to mess with Fate…or The Universe…or The Wicked Witch of the West…or whatever it is that gets us into trouble in the first place?”

CK: (Chuckles) “You mean like the way you knock on wood whenever you mention that Connor hasn’t caught his mid-winter cold yet?”

K: (Eyes wide…knocks on desk) “Uh-huh.”

CK: “Um. Technically, that’s veneer…I don’t know if that counts.”

K: (Knocks on wall) “You’re just making me tense, ya know…”

CK: “I know. That’s sheet rock, by the way. Try again…hurry up….five seconds….”

K: (Surprised) “Wait! I don’t remember there being a timing element to this. Hang on….(knocks on armoire, dresser and wooden remote-caddy…just to play it safe) Okay? Now, let’s leave da boys out of this.”

CK: “Fine with me. How about the fact that you won’t drink a martini with two olives?”

K: “Well, everyone knows that it’s gotta be one or three. I mean, two is just asking for trouble. You’re giving me goosebumps…which means someone is walking over my grave. Thanks for that. You might as well just pick up a penny that’s tail-side-up and be done with it.”

CK: “Come to think of it, I’ve never seen you scoop up a penny… regardless of its position….”

K: “That’s ‘cause I’m leaving the luck for the next guy. I'm very thoughtful that way. Besides, do you know how many germs are on currency? It’s a HOTBED. Did you know it’s bad luck to say the word ‘pig’ whilst fishing at sea?”

CK (Laughs) “You are totally making that up.”

K: (Smiles) “No, seriously. I read it on this superstition site I googled. It reminded me about the one about an itchy palm meaning you’re going to get money and that if your ears ring, it means someone’s talking about you….and that dropping silverware means that company’s coming, which explains why there’s always so many people traipsing through my house. I need to stop emptying the dishwasher…I think that from now on, you should do it.”

CK: “Why am I thinking that this was your destination all along? Typical Kathryn….starts with Chinese New Year, ends with my having a new chore…”

K: “Well, since all wishes made whilst burning onions will come true, I figure I shouldn’t have to do another chore for at least the next five years….”

Let’s hear it, readers…what are your superstitions? Are you willing to walk under a ladder? Do you freak out if you break a mirror? Bring it!