Signs

Kathryn: “So, I’ve got a topic for tonight’s post.”

Clinton Kelly (IV on his last day of being 40…yawns loudly): “Should you be telling me? It’s not much of a surprise if I already know about it.” (Yawns again)

Kathryn: (Yawns back) “You are so freakin’ old….and yet, I haven’t aged a day. How is that even possible?”

CK: “And yet, somehow I remain younger than you…and I always will be, so…bite me. My birthday’s not until Monday, but way to get a jump on those loving birthday wishes.” (Yawns again…stretching comfortably)

K: (Yawns once again) “Oh, God! Enough with the yawn pong! You’re not a kid, you know. You don’t get a birthday week…it’s a freakin’ day. And it’s not today.”

CK: “Whatever. What’s tonight’s topic?”

K: “Well, it might be a little confusing at first…”

CK: (Smiles) “We’ve had oodles of practice inside your head. Try us.”

K: “Okay. I was watching the Olympics and I was thinking how they must have these universal signs everywhere so that all the foreigners can find their way around...and then I got that song from 'Five Man Electrical Band' stuck in my head. You know….(sings) ‘Signs, signs…everywhere are signs…blocking out the scenery, breakin’ my mind…do this, don’t do that…can’t you reeeeead the siiiiignnnns?’”

CK: (Stares) “I did not see that coming.”

K: “Would you like to see my Universal Examples with my 100% authentic, Kathrynville-approved captions? You know your answer is moot, right?”

CK: “I’m well aware. Bring it.”

K: “M’kay. This first one would be found somewhere near the women’s luge.”

CK: “Oh, momma. Are you sure those aren’t speed bumps?”

K: “Yes, I’m sure. Then, there’s this one:

…which is basically warning people that there’s a guy looking to dispose of his barf bag. These Olympic games are murder on the nerves…”

CK: “Gross. This next one looks interesting…”

K: “I figure it either means, ‘Do not casually saunter into the ocean’ or ‘No fire-walking alllowed’, depending on where it’s posted. I also can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a seagull in flight, or a vague interpretation of two mountains…”

CK: “Well, now I’m not sure…it could go either way. Ah! I know this one.”:

K: “Yeah…it’s your basic ‘Push button, receive bacon’. These athletes need their protein, ya know.”

CK: (Begins to cough)

K: “Are you choking? Wait…let me check out the sign:

(Asks) ARE YOU CHOKING? No? I guess you’re not, since you’ve got both hands around your neck and you do not have your tongue sticking out, per this handy diagram. I’ll assume you just swallowed funny.”

CK: (Catches breath) “I’m okay. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your post…by dying…”

K: “I appreciate that. And speaking of dying, here’s the universal reminder to cover your mouth when you sneeze":

CK: “Are you sure? That looks kind of abstract to m—"

K: “Not listening...moving on. Got a lot of ground to cover... Here’s the one to remind people that God will strike you down if you cheat, lie or be in any way un-sportsmanlike”:

CK: “That’s a very….effective reminder of the virtues of honesty and camaraderie amongst competitors …”

K: “Are you even listening? You're sounding somewhat...robotic…whatever. Next!:

…this one’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s like Wile E. Coyote all over again….what the hell does the middle initial ‘E’ stand for, anyway? Who ever heard of a cartoon character with a middle initial?”

CK: “This is a rhetorical question, right? I don’t want to break your concentration. Home stretch, kiddo…”

K: “Thank you, kind sir. I shall end this post with an absolute CLASSIC:

…the universal ‘You are soooo screwed’ sign. This can be placed anywhere that men and women co-mingle.”

CK: “I’m certain that men everywhere are nodding and mumbling in agreement.”

K: “Aw. Thank you…that was soooo the right answer. You’re such a sweetie. Tomorrow’ll be all about you.”

CK: “I’ll believe it when I see it. Are you going to show everyone the two cartoons that made you laugh so hard you peed a little?”

K: “Of course. I’m an equal-opportunity incontinence-provider. Oh, and did I mention that 'Five Man Electrical Band' is from Canada? There...now it's all tied up in a neat little bow. Happy day, all!”