Poop on the Stoop

I can say with all honesty that this has been one l-o-n-g winter. I’d like to respectfully suggest that in the future, we have the winter Olympics in the summer. I mean, think of how nice it probably is for the folks in Austrailia…sweltering heat outside…watching all that arctic snow and ice competition on teevee every night…ahhhhhh. Watching someone ski or skate when it’s 22 degrees outside is just torture….

Every time I hear the *crack!* of the skis on those turns, it’s like I’m biting into an ice cube…

**DING-DONG**!!!

Kathryn: “Oh, good…the pizza’s here. Gotta love ‘Whatever for Dinner Wednesdays’. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THE DOOR??”


Rachel Ray: “Hey! Did someone-a order some-a pizza?”

Kathryn: (Walking down the hall) “The money’s on the step-”

Rachel Ray: “What am I….a hooker? Show some respect, missy.”

Kathryn: (Surprised) “Oh! You’re no delivery gal! What’s cooking, girlfriend? How many pizzas did you make?”

Rachel Ray: “Evidently not enough. I just saw Donald’s limo trying to limp up your skating-rink formerly-known-as-your-driveway.”

Kathryn: (Confused) “Donald? Trump…or Duck?”



Rachel Ray: “Ha. Hard to tell them apart sometimes. Is anyone else coming? We might not have enough food. Where’s the stone I gave you for Christmas?”

Kathryn: “Let’s see….there’s you…and I invited Ellen for some much-needed comic relief


…and Michelle’s stopping by on her way back to D.C.

It’s supposed to be a ‘girl’s night’. Donald’s number is right before Ellen’s...I must’ve misdialed…I thought her voice sounded kinda low on her voicemail…dammit. Now we’re gonna have to listen to him go on and on about how he was born with ‘successful genes’…I am getting really tired of that story. You gave me a rock for Christmas? That wasn’t very generous of you…what did I give you in return? A clump of dirt??”

Rachel Ray: (Raises one eyebrow) “Stone, Kathryn. I gave you a pizza stone, remember? You opened it and said you loved it and you put the box down right next to the server….OH, MY GOD…it’s STILL THERE??!”

Kathryn: “Um. Well. I cleaned around it…see the vacuum marks? C’mon! We’ve gotta get cracking…chop, chop!”

Ellen DeGeneres: “Hel-lo? Kathryn, you’re not gonna believe who’s stuck on your front lawn…sideways…”

Kathryn: “Lawn? You mean my ice-rink-formerly-known-as-my-driveway…”

Ellen DeGeneres: “Nope….definitely your lawn. There’s clumps of grass and snow flying everywhere…he’s got quite the mouth on him. I wouldn’t let him kiss you with that mouth.”

Michelle Obama: “Hey, ladies! Kathryn, who’s the schmuck on the lawn with the mouth?”

Kathryn: “Uh, that would be Donald. He’s probably just hungry….he’ll settle down after dinner. I want to talk to you about my idea to move the winter Olympics…how much pull have you got?”

Michelle Obama: (Rolls eyes) “Another epiphany? Someone get me a cocktail…”

Donald Trump: (Voice from outside) “Oh, CRAP! I can’t believe it….I’ve just stepped in dog poop. Who leaves dog poop sitting on their front stoop? Gross. Do I smell pizza?”