Aw, Punxsutawney....

....Why hast thou forsaken us?

It went down like this:

One deeply slumbering marmot (AKA Punxsutawney Phil) was summarily (and somewhat violently, according to an un-named source close to the Punx family) forced to abandon his warm, comfy bed with the fluffy, triple-layer down comforter...complete with Sunbeam electric blanket in a perfect shade of chocolate that complimented the silky soft fur of said Phil, by a select group of handlers...wearing top hats (AKA The Inner Circle) who then snootily proclaimed that they would return him to his dormancy only subsequent to his posing for the paparazzi and predicting the weather for the next six weeks. Da nerve!

A reporter nearby quotes Phil as having said “I don’t give a freakin’ crap about the weather! I was sleeping. Show a little respect. I can’t believe you could even find me under all this crappy snow....”

The official transcript however, has Phil announcing “A bright sky above me showed my shadow beside me. So six more weeks of winter it will be. Now, put me back…or I’ll have my cousin Guido pay you a visit you’ll not soon forget. Don’t let the double-insulated door hit you on the way out.”

Meanwhile, in New York…Mayor Bloomberg was attempting to lure Wackadoodle Waldo (AKA Wayne-the-Brain-Woodchuck, of the notorious New Yawk Woodchuck gang…arch rivals of the Punxsutawneys) out of his shelter at the city zoo.

Upon hearing that his nemesis had seen his shadow and therefore predicted 6 more weeks of winter, Waldo was overheard to say “Spring’s right around da corner. Who are you gonna listen to? That putz…or me? Fuggetaboutit. Somebody get me a hotdog wit some kraut and a bagel with a schmear, pronto. I'm starving here!”

In Punxsutawney, the Inner Circle scornfully dismissed Bloomberg’s photo opportunity…disdainfully announcing “Our Phil is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The others are just impostors.”

The group in New York City, donning Gianni Manzoni suits with cashmere overcoats (and not a top hat in sight) could not be reached for comment as they had 2:00 lunch reservations at db Bistro, to be immediately followed by orchestra seats for Billy Elliot.



This reporter swears she overheard Waldo speed-dialing Phil and pronouncing, “Don’t make me come down there, stupido…”

Now, who are you gonna believe?