Restrictions Apply

I’m one of the only people I know that still listens to “regular” radio in the car. And yes, the barrage of commercials suck…and my timing sucks….as I tune in, I inevitably hear, “and that ends our 40 minute non-stop music mix with no commercial interruption!”….and then I’m in for a full ten minutes of commercials.

I’ve decided that I’d like to have the job of the guy that gets to talk really, really fast at the end of the commercial. You know the guy I’m talking about? He’s the one who has to get in about 50 disclaimers after the stated “almost too good to be true” deal is announced. I’m imagining there must be some special training involved to allow one to gain the verbal expertise needed to speak at a rate that comes close to breaking the sound barrier.

Let’s take a look inside one of these classes…shall we?

Instructor Johnny Rapidtalk: “TODAY WE WILL DISCUSS HOW TO STRING MANY WORDS TOGETHER AT A SPEED ALMOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO THE HUMAN EAR AND STILL ENUNCIATE CLEARLY,THEREBY AVOIDING ANY LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS WHATSOEVER FOR OUR CLIENTS.”

First–year student Damon Finkelburst: “Dude. Are we…like, supposed to be taking notes? I mean, is this…like, gonna be on the final? ‘Cause I’m gonna need my dictionary if you want me to write words like ‘enunciate’.”

Sawah Wosenpimple: “Weawy, Mista Wapidtawk. My mom says she paid top dowwah on dis cwass and she says tawking isn’t wocket science, so I’d betta wearn soon!”

Kathryn (Student Prodigy): “Excuse me? Could you please dial it back a bit? Is this the course where you learn how to earn millions in the comfort of your own home by crocheting beer cozies out of lanyard for seeing-impaired Amish alcoholics so they can be weaned onto Miller light and eventually onto that crappy non-alcoholic beer, with nary a clue of the deception…for beginners...with no prior experience necessary?”

Instructor Rapidtalk: “NO! THIS IS THE RAPID TALKING LEARNING CLASS.THAT CLASS WAS CANCELLED DUE TO ONLY ONE PERSON SIGNING UP.”

Sawah Wosenpimple: “Aw. Sowwy. Stay wiff us. Dis cwass is gweat!”

Kathryn: (Looks at Sawah cautiously…sighs) “Fine. Whatever.”

Damon Finkelburst: “Su-weet!”

Instructor Rapidtalk: “THE TRICK IS TO SPEAK SO QUICKLY THAT THE LISTENER HAS ONLY A VAGUE CLUE WHAT YOU’VE JUST SAID, BUT YOU’VE LEGALLY INFORMED THEM THAT EVERYTHING THEY’VE JUST HEARD IN THE AD IS ALL BULLSHIT! READY TO TRY? KATHRYN? WHY DON’T YOU GO FIRST.”

Kathryn: “Oh…gee. I don’t really think- -“

Instructor Rapidtalk: “IT’S EITHER YOU, OR WE’LL LET SAWAH WOSENPIMPLE TAKE A STAB AT IT.”

Kathryn: “I’ll do it! (Stands…clears throat)

Instructor Rapidtalk: “OKAY! THE AD WAS FOR COLONIAL SAVINGS BANK. THE AD PROMISES THAT WITH EACH NEW ACCOUNT, YOU WILL RECEIVE ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS AS AN INCENTIVE FOR BEING A NEW CUSTOMER….NO STRINGS ATTACHED! JUST STOP IN AND SIGN UP…IT’S THAT EASY. GO!!”

Kathryn: “SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY. NEW ACCOUNTS MUST MAINTAIN A BALANCE OF NO LESS THAN FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO BE ELIGIBLE. NEW ACCOUNTS ARE REQUIRED TO AVERAGE NO LESS THAN TWENTY DEBIT CARD TRANSACTIONS A WEEK AND MUST HAVE A MIDDLE NAME ENDING IN THE LETTER “G” TO QUALIFY. NEW ACCOUNTS MUST ALSO PROVIDE AN ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND MUST SHOW A BIRTH TIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8AM AND 4PM TO ASSUME ELIGIBILITY. ANY EMPLOYEE OF COLONIAL BANK, THEIR FAMILIES, SECOND COUSINS, AFFILIATES OR YOGA INSTRUCTORS ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. OTHER RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY AND ARE AVAILABLE BY SENDING A SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE TO THE ADDRESS BELOW. OFFER EXPIRES JANUARY 12, 2011. NOT TO BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFER, EXCLUDING THE AFOREMENTIONED MARGINALLY INCAPACITATED ATTENDEE."

Instructor Rapidtalk: “THAT WAS EXCELLENT. CLASS DISMISSED.”

Damon Finkelburst: “Awesome. Like, I have no idea what you just said.”

Sawah Wosenpimple: “I’m gonna need a weefund.”

Kathryn: “Um. What am I supposed to do with all this lanyard??”