Life On Mars

After being chastised for my post yesterday…which evidently left many of you revisiting extremely painful and traumatic childhood memories better left untouched, I thought it best to pull a one-eighty...before people started getting really mad.

Clinton Kelly (The king of IVs): “What? My God, Kathryn…what did you say?”

Kathryn: “NOTHING! Okay, well…maybe it wasn’t exactly nothing, but…HEY….wait a minute. Why don’t you know what I wrote? Didn’t you read it?”

CK: “I read it virtually every day. Sometimes one slips by. What did you do?”

Taylor (17): “Hey. Did Mom tell you how she traumatized an un-specified number of readers by dredging up all their worst traumatic childhood memories just because some guy once told her she had fat fingers?”

CK: “I’m getting the gist of it but she’s being sketchy about the details. Are we talking a therapist...or an attorney standing by? Or do we need both?”

Kathryn: “Oh, c’mon! It wasn’t THAT bad. I managed to infuse some humor in there…”

Connor (13): “I’d go with the therapist. Who knows how many people she’s affected….”

Kathryn: “HEL-LO?? Stop talking about me like I’m not here! Stand down, people. I got a few tsk-tsk’s and that was it. Everyone’s moved on…I’m sure of it.”

Taylor: “That’s not what I heard. I heard there’s a petition floating around to require that people like you have to sign a legal document promising not to bum people out. There’s thousands of signatures already.”

Kathryn (Shocked): “Huh? ‘People like me’? What ‘people like me’? There are no ‘people like me’! I’m one-of-a-kind! A fluke of nature….an irreplaceable, rare and exceptional individual who shan’t be silenced by any hootin’-falootin’ legal document!”

CK: (Grimly) “I’d better call both. Taylor, please distract your mother.”

Taylor: “Aw. Why do I have to do it? Why can’t Connor do it?”

Kathryn: (Flustered) “Give me my phone. I’m calling Oprah. I will not be silenced! I will not be edited! If I wanna talk rabbit-poop I WILL, dammit!”

Connor: “What the hell is she talking about?? Who’s talking about poop?”

Kathryn: (Wails) “Doesn’t anyone in my own family read me? You try to raise ‘em right…and what happens? They can’t even be bothered…”

Taylor: (Loud stage whisper) “Distract! Distract! Code RED!”

Clinton: (Walking back in the room) “Kathryn! What was that fabulous idea you had for Bill to include on the next version of Microsoft Windows?”

Kathryn: “What? Oh. Um. Uh. You mean, the 'whatever' button?”

CK: “Yes! Do tell.”

K: “Well, it’s simple really. I believe that “yes”, “no” and “cancel” are completely outdated responses for today’s 2010 consumer. I do believe they should update this. I’ve worked up this feasible scenario as an example of how it would be utilized in the future:

Taylor: “So, you want windows to have a ‘whatever’ button? Are computers of the future really gonna be so obstinate?”

Kathryn: “Yes…I believe so. CLINTON! Did I show you my steamy bathtub photo?”

Taylor/Connor: “EWWWW. Mommmmm!”

Kathryn: “What? Oh, no! Ew! Nooooo….not THAT kinda steamy. I mean, I’m really HOT.”

Taylor/Connor/Clinton: “EWWWW.”

Kathryn: “Okay…not helping. Boys? You’re dismissed. Clinton…get back here.”

CK: “Aw. Why do I have to stay?”

Kathryn: (Sighs) “You’re a grown-up. Deal. Besides…this HOT photo of me is really COOL.”

CK: “Eh? Oh! Woah….steamy! And see? This photo definitely doesn’t make your fingers look fat.”

Thank you for visiting! Please remember to gather all personal belongings and wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before exiting your vehicle.

Have a grrrreat day!