I Can't Stop This Feeling

I don’t like to judge. I try really, really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt in every way possible. I do my very best to not go into anything with a pre-conceived notion of how someone’s gonna act, react, respond or retort.

You believe me…right?

Take, for example…the search for a physician under our medical insurance plan.

Clinton Kelly (My ever-attentive IV): “Who’s sick? Where’s the Purell? I did not see this memo. Did you ‘CC’ me?”

Kathryn: “No-one’s sick. It’s just a routine screening for Malaria, Leishmaniasis and Dengue Fever. No biggie.”

CK: (Eyes wide with alarm) “Dengue Fever? What the hell is that?”

K: “Oh, it’s transmitted through the bite of an infected mosquito. There’s evidently about 50 million cases worldwide a year. Small potatoes…just a precaution.”

CK: “What are the symptoms?”

K: “An infected person may experience a mild to high fever, severe headache, pain behind the eyes, muscle and joint pain and a wicked rash.”

CK: “I do feel a bit warm…and remember the other night when I said your rendition of “Hooked on a Feeling” was giving me a monster of a headache?”

K: “The ‘B.J. Thomas’ version or the ‘Hit Crew’ version?”

CK: (Sighs) “I don’t remember. It was loud and extremely annoying.”

K: “Well, did it start with ‘OOGA-CHUKA, OOGA-OOGA, OOGA-CHUCKA, OOGA-OOGA, OOGA-CHUKA’…”

CK: “Ow. Yes, that would be the one. And you’ve got that unexplained rash above your eye which looks to be extremely suspect.”

K: “That would be from my unfortunate macaroni fly-by of yesterday. It’s not a rash…it’s an injury. Geesh.”

CK: (Wary) “I’m not so convinced. What’s the treatment for this...disease?”

K: “Oh, there is no treatment. They tell you to drink water, take aspirin and wait to die.”

CK: (Becomes noticeably paler…sits down in chair)

K: “Oh, relax…I’m just messing with you. I needed a neurologist to give Kevin an EEG. You know…brain waves…” (Makes spooky, curly, dramatic arm gestures up and around her head)

CK: “Bite me.”

K: “Well…that’s not very neighborly. ANYWAY. My point is that I do not believe I can seriously trust a physician whose first name is ‘Heaven’. I mean, c'mon.”

CK: “What was her last name?”

K: “It doesn’t matter. She’s out. Then, I rule out all the ‘Irvings’, ‘Nathanials’, and ‘Agnes’…’cause you just know they’ve been practicing since the beginning of time and they’re not gonna be cutting edge....razor-sharp....in the know...”

CK: “So, to clarify: You rule out anyone you perceive to be too young and anyone whom you perceive to be too old, by your definition...and based solely on their first names and your assumption that by virtue of what could very well be a family name, passed on from generation to generation, they must be too out-of-touch with modern medicine to meet your stringent criteria.”

K: “That would be correct, your honor.”

CK: “Huh. Anything else?”

K: “YES. I pass over any name that I can’t readily pronounce. I mean, how am I supposed to have a dialogue with someone named Dr. Anath Vadavatamytha? I mean, no offense…but I’m going to come across sounding like a complete idiot.”

CK: (Chuckles) “Maybe he goes by ‘Dr. V’ for short.”

K: “Doubt it. Oh, and I prefer that he’s graduated from a medical school I’ve heard of, like Columbia, or Harvard or something…and I’d like to see a minimum of 5 diplomas on the wall of his office. A few plaques for voluntary work is always a nice touch, too. Maybe he could sponsor an orphan, or read to the blind? That would be nice....”

CK: “So, how many doctors are listed under the insurance for an EEG?”

K: “Oh, about 23…give or take…in this general vicinity.”

CK: “And how many of those loosely fit your criteria?”

K: “Uh. Seven….”

CK: (Eyebrows raised) “Really?”

K: “Well, three…”

CK: (Surprised) “That man-…”

K: “Okay, NONE. But, I just have to widen my search criteria. I know he’s out there.”

CK: “How much further do you need to look?”

K: (Squints at computer screen) “Depends….how far is it from here to….Littleton, Colorado?”