Ebenezer? Is That You?

Okay…enough is enough. New Year…new beginnings? Or same old crap, different year?

Clinton Kelly (My delightfully-surprised-that-he’s-actually-being-utilized-two-days-in-a-row IV): “Uh-oh. This can’t possibly be good. We’re only seven days into the New Year….se-ven. What could have possibly peeved you off so early?”

Kathryn: “Look, I’m behind free enterprise as much as the next guy…but these emails have to STOP. How did they get my email address, anyway? DO they have my email address? Or is it the internet-equivalent of those telemarketer’s calls where they randomly spit out emails to ‘AnExternalRemodel'...and then 'TheInternalReconstruction'…and then they happen upon 'TheInternalMakeupRemover' and then somehow they hit 'TheInternalMakeover'??…’cause it’s really starting to piss me off.”

CK: (Stares) “I’m well aware that you’re upset, so it’s probably not the best time to point out that you’re not making a lick of sense.”

K: “Are ya looking? ‘Cause all you have to do is look at my inbox to know what I’m talking about. Train those cornflower baby-blues on this...”

CK: (Reads from highlighted e-mail): “Mom. My fifth period teacher wants to know why I’m eating two slices of American cheese and a packet of tartar sauce for lunch. I think you need to send in some lunch money. See ya. Connor.”

K: (Flustered) “No! Not that one….that was a mistake. That teacher doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Look at this one. It’s from an ‘Elfredo Ebenezer’:”

I was kept up to speed that you still have not requested for those tablets so I presume you did not receive my email some days back. Anyway, as I wrote, it can be obtained with the use of http://youareacompleteidiotifyouclickonthislink.com.

Rely on me on this one because I and our other friends have been making use of their meds since the year before this. All you have to do now is to have that order.

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Enjoy Reuters explosives rest, switched assault.Conservation shifted hospital text Spain efficient strengthening, engineering part work family.

Talk to you really soon

Michail
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Hotmail: Trusted email with Microsoft’s powerful SPAM protection. Sign up now!

CK: “Huh. What’s with the random non-sensical stringing of words? Are they hoping you’ll click on the link based on the fact that they’ve included the words ‘work’, ‘family’ and ‘conservation’? In no particular order?”

K: “I have no idea. I just know I’m getting fed up. We’re talking three or four emails a day. ‘Hotmail…trusted email with SPAM protection’ my ass! They ARE the SPAM and they don’t even know it! Give me the phone. I’m calling Bill Gates.”

CK: “Three to four a day is not really a lot. I probably get twenty or so a day at work…”

K: “Okay….focus. MY blog, MY voice. Your stuff gets filtered anyway…who are you kidding? Where’s my rolodex?”

CK: “No-one uses a rolodex anymore, sweetie. It’s all on your Blackberry. Wait. You’ve got Bill Gates’ phone number on your Blackberry?”

K: “Shush! I’m on the phone…Hi, it’s Kathryn?...From The Internal Makeover?... Is Bill there?...Yes, I’ll hold.” (Hums the melody to Killing Me Softly With His Song whilst tapping her foot to the beat)

CK: “Are you freakin’ kidding me? You are not…who did you call…really?”

K: “Bill? Hey....it's me. Listen…about this Hotmail bullshit? I’m getting hit with an awful lot of SPAM…and it’s not making you look good. I’ve determined that the only people using it are ‘people that don’t wanna be identified’…if ya know what I mean. Ya gotta make it STOP.”

CK: “Who the hell are you talking to? Seriously…you’re starting to freak me out. Is this another one of your voices? I was really hoping I was the only one…”

K: “Shhhh! Sorry, Bill…it’s just Clinton. Kelly? TLC? Macy's? Never mind. Can you just delete the whole Hotmail thing? It’s really not sitting well with me.... (Pauses) It’s done? Great! Thanks, buddy! Love to the wifey and kiddios…”

CLICK.

And THAT, my friends….is just the way it went down…in…The Kathryn Zone.