Chill

There’s something disturbing about pulling back the curtains to welcome the morning sunlight into the room and discovering this:

It’s just so…wrong.

Do you realize how dangerous these icicles can be? I'm You’re walking out my your front door…minding my your own business…and *WHAM*!!

I'm You’re skewered like one of those roasted rotisserie chickens at the market…only not nearly as appetizing.

Let’s think about this. Suppose no-one finds my your lifeless body until…I dunno…dinnertime? So, they find me you…this crumpled lump in the cold, wet snow….with really bad hair….’cause my your brain is where the dagger made its initial impact with my your now deceased person…only, now there’s NO WEAPON ‘cause the heat from our over-active imagination has MELTED it.

I can just imagine the conversation the detectives assigned to this case would have upon arrival at this horrifyingly devastating scene. (Warning: May be traumatic for some viewers):

Detective Snoopsalot: “Wow. In all my years as a homicide detective, I’ve never seen a more gruesome scene. What are your immediate observations, Newbie?”

Detective ThinksHeKnowsAlot: “Well, it’s obvious she was walking outside with her bottle cap collection…”

Det. Snoop: “Those are screw-caps, Detective…with a few corks thrown in for good measure. They’re all from the same kind of wine, from what I can see. This lady liked her vino. Did you draw this outline of the body, son?”

Det. Thinks: “Yes, sir. She was wearing these pointy-heeled shoes…you could do some serious damage with those heels. Ya think she may have somehow performed some kind of Olympic diving maneuver…

…and somehow managed to impale her own head with her own stiletto, then put her shoe back on and somehow left no trace of her brain on her Jimmy Choos?”

Det. Snoop: “Not likely. Although, the victim has a rep for being a pretty talented lady….I don’t think even she could have pulled that off. What the hell’s the deal with the hair?”

Det. Thinks: (Shrugs) “Not sure. It looked pretty crappy when I got here…kinda like bed head?...but, ya know…with snow. I ‘prettied- it-up’ a bit for the official crime-scene photo. She strikes me as the kind of gal who’d appreciate it.”

Det. Snoop: “Ya got good instincts, kid. So. What do you make of this whole mess? The screw caps? The bad hair? The whole in the head? And think fast…’cause it’s almost Margarita time at The Blue Moon Lagoon on 10th Street.”

Det. Thinks: (Thinks) “I surmise that this gal loved her wine. So much in fact, that she kept all the screw caps as souvenirs. Then one day, she realized it might not look so good…having all these mementos from her past escapades lying around…so she decides to bury ‘em in the yard. But not just anywhere…somewhere special. As she’s navigating the front steps…carrying all those blasted bottle caps and wondering where she can creatively bury ‘em… in her not-made-for-winter-footwear…she slips on a patch of ice, does a flawless 9.8 header off the stoop, causing an icicle to dislodge from the roof...thereby impaling the victim in the noggin…rendering her…well…ya know.”

Det. Snoop: “You’re a freakin’ genius. Case closed. Let’s go have a tall one and toast the gal with the caps and the Choos. Somehow, I almost feel like I knew her…”

Det. Thinks: (Sniffs) “What’s that smell? Oh, crap! Did she have a dog?!?”