Speed

Today, I got to thinking about speed. Or more precicely, how we're all moving too damn fast.

I cannot remember what prompted this line of thought.

Actually, that’s not true. I think it came to me when I fell down the stairs.

Yes, you read that correctly. I fell down a flight of stairs. It was a short flight (only 6)...(pun intended), but still…I slipped on the carpet with my slippery socks and I fell. It all happened in slow motion…and my whole, entire life flashed before my eyes.

I remembered twirling on the rope swing at my grandparents home when I was four until I'd almost hurled (we'd twist it around till it was uber-tight and then you'd spin like a top as it unraveled)…then I remembered how many times my sisters, brother and I got locked out of the house while Mom & Dad were at work and how we sent my little brother...feet first...in through my parent's bathroom window...always dropping him wayyy too early and hearing the clatter as some bathroom knick-knack (or was it the toilet?) hopefully broke his fall... I remembered my eighth grade orchestra recital with the Westchester Philharmonic Orchestra (I played viola…first chair…for twelve years. Ask me if I was any good….’cause I WAS.) Then I saw my junior prom with Mike-what’s-his-name and his undoing when he tried (unsuccessfully) to cop a feel…and a whole host of other things....

Anyway, I hurt my elbow in the fall. I was lying there (on the steps) howling with a combination of laughter, shock and pain…and Connor’s standing there in complete astonishment. He said later that he was not sure if it was all an act on my part…(drah-ma? Me??) he'd thought I was being the slapstick equivalent to (insert modern-day Jerry Lewis here)…but add the slippery socks and subtract the fat bank account.

This will teach me to rush down the stairs…and those in the know will remember that holding the banister does not necessarily guarantee that your feet won’t slip out from under you. Take it from one who now knows.

Meanwhile…a little Christmas tip. (I picked this up from my sister Laura.) When looking to see if your tree lights are even (with no visual “holes”, so to speak) do the Christmas-squint:

Close your eyes almost all the way…but squint whilst doing it…so you can only see a teeny bit. Warning: Everything should get very blurry. Do not rush out to buy contacts. This is normal and should subside when you stop doing the Christmas-squint. (This writer, nor her affiliates can be held accountable for unforeseen complications from using the squinty-eye technique in the privacy of one’s own home. Therefore, it is recommended that you speak to your family dry cleaner, your vet or your third grade gym teacher before beginning this exercise. Inquire as to how they've been? Don't forget to wish them Happy Holidays! Pursuant to Section B2514, subsection C of the blog-readers-influence-by-blog-writers addendum of 2006, don’t even think about suing me if your eyes remain Christmas-sqinty past the actual holiday. You’ll never find me…and I’ll just feign a brain injury from my fall and swear I've never mentioned this technique…so, fuggetaboutit.)

Once things become really blurry, it will be quite clear that this is one of the best freakin’ Christmas tips ever…as you’ll see with clarity the obvious holes and huge gaps you’ve missed in decorating your tree after 3 martinis and a couple of spiked eggnogs.

So. That’s my tip for the season. Use your squinty eyes, go easy on the eggnog and slow down, my friends.

The martinis, however….they're mandatory.