No Static at All

By a show of hands, how many readers can make the association between the title of this post and a particular Steely Dan tune?

How about a Lucille Ball moment? (I’ve had too many of these to count.)

A while back, Straight Guy tweeted that he’d introduced his kids to The Three Stooges…and was happily recounting that they *got* it. One generation passing the slapstick-torch…I found it comforting and amusing all at the same time. I mean, he’s a guy…and it’s The Three Stooges. Of course he’s happy to pass on that kind of humor…I can only hope that he’ll stop just short of the “pull my finger” joke.

From here, it was a mere hop, skip, jump and short mental cab ride to musing over the electronic advances I’ve seen in my lifetime. From corded phones and 8-tracks…admittedly, too many to mention. From there, I narrowed the field….edited my mental post, if you will…to the advances that have taken place in Connor’s (12) life. This was a discussion that required Connor’s undivided attention. That’s why it took another three days to arrive at a single block of time he was willing to devote to having a dialogue with me on this most significant subject:

Kathryn: “Well Connor….I can’t tell you how happy I am we’re finally sitting down to discuss the advantages and ramifications that technological advances have had on your short but astoundingly meaningful lifetime.

Clinton Kelly: (My unexpected IV) “Connor was unavailable, citing a staggering amount of ‘DBQ’s’ due tomorrow. He sends his regrets and…well, me.”

K: (Confused) “What? ‘DB’…whats? Where is he??”

CK: (Sighs) “He’s knee-deep in ‘Document Based Questions’ for social studies. He’s doing his homework, kiddo. I’m evidently the filler. If you’d rather re-schedule, I totally understand. There’s a martini glass in the freezer with my name on it.”

K: “When I’m already 300 words in? I. Don’t. Think. So. And isn’t that your martini right there on the table?”

CK: “Riiiiight. Well, that’s convenient. So, fire away.”

K: “Um. Well…no offense, sweetie…but you passed the age of 12 a loooong time ago.”

CK: (Takes sip) “I’m well aware. However, I still have the mental ability to remember being 12.”

K: (Frowns) “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you insinuating that I do not have the psychological capacity to recall my tween and early teen years? Because you would be sadly mistaken, my friend. I remember it like it was yesterday.”

CK: (Takes another sip) “Okay. Give me an example of one relatable, yet substantial difference between technology for Connor and 'the Kathryn in the days of yore’.”

K: (Shoots withering scowl) “HA. Did Connor really send you? Or am I gonna find him tied up in the closet in a few days?”

CK: (Smiles in response.)

K: “FINE. At 6 o’clock this morning, we had no power, it was raining cats & dogs, windy as hell and pitch black in the house. Half of our flashlights had dead batteries and we wound up navigating our way in the dark aided by the ‘flash feature’ on the video option on our cell phones. They made it so freakin' bright, we practically needed shades.”

CK: “Sweet. And your personal teen phone memory?”

K: “Well. Dad got mad ‘cause we kept making all these calls during the day while he and Mom were at work and the phone bill was through the roof. Somehow, he got his hands on a lock that fit through the first hole of the dial and….”

CK: “Wait. The first what?”

K: “The first HOLE…(said in a LOUD VOICE) ya know, where the NUMBER ONE would be. It was a rotary phone….like this:
….and the lock looked like this:
The lock fit into the #1 hole and we weren’t supposed to be able to dial out.”

CK: “Real safe. Where’s Child Protective Services when you need them?”

K: “EXACTLY. It took us approximately 6 hours to figure out if we kept continuously banging on the buttons, the operator would eventually come on. She probably thought we were having an epileptic seizure or something….anyway, we’d give her the number and she’d place the call.”

CK: “And how many calls a day did you make using this method?”

K: “Well, it wasn’t just me. I mean, I’m sure Laura was the brains behind the operation…and there were four of us kids…times three hours a day, times five days a week…well, you do the math. All I remember was that Dad was spitting mad the next time the phone bill came and the lock disappeared shortly thereafter.”

CK: “Your father was a beaten man. Remind me to tell Connor this story.”

K: “I’d rather you didn’t. Although, it’s certainly one of the tamer things we kids did. Of course, I’d rather he not know any of that, either.”

Anything you wouldn’t want your kids to know that YOU did as a child? Nah…I’ll bet every one of you were perfect children….am I right??