Nickie

When it comes to choosing a name for something (or someone), it’s important to consider it from all angles.

My dad’s name is Robert, AKA Bob. My brother’s name is…(you guessed it), Robert. We’re Italian…and that’s evidently just what you do. You name the son the same as the father, so for the next 18 years or so, every time there’s a phone call request to speak to Robert…or Bob, you’ve got to inquire, “Senior or junior?” Somewhere along the way, my brother became Robbie. Which is fine if you’re like, four…but evidently, it’s not too cool when you’re a teen, or a grown-up. How can a guy expect to be taken seriously if your name is Robbie? My fam has settled on calling him Rob…it’s as far as we’ve managed to get from that enduring childhood name. Everyone else in his life knows him as Bob.

When the time came to name my boys, I wanted to make sure I could live with any subsequent nicknames that arose. I decided early on that if I could, I wanted to avoid the opportunity for anyone to shorten the name at all. Behold! Such is the powah of the Mama!

What hadn’t occurred to me was that a prerequisite of babydom (and petdom) is that whether you plan to or not, you will wind up with a virtual plethora of endearing nicknames for each and every one of your junior family members:

My firstborn, Kevin, is sometimes called Kevie…or sometimes even Websie…even to this day….but only by me….so don’t be yelling, “HEY, WEBSIE!” at him if you see him walking down the street. He’ll probably jump into the first open door he sees, just to avoid the humiliation.

I figured I was safe with Taylor, till the first time I heard a preschool teacher call him Tay-Tay, which eventually got shortened to Tay. He doesn’t seem to mind it….but if he did, there’d be no-one around to bear witness to the infraction anyway, as he would have long-ago sent them running into the witness protection program. No-one messes with Taylor.

You really can’t shorten or mess much with Connor…(believe me, I’d tried.) But somehow, as an infant he was Pooh Bear, which morphed into Bear, then Bearie…before settling on Connor-bear. If you call him that now, he will not only pretend to not hear you, but will more than likely refer to you by a rather…unflattering name of his own, as retribution.

Metro (the wonderdog) is actually short for Metronome (his tail is constantly in motion)….a name we christened him at 9 weeks after we saw his official name on the pedigree documents said “Lord Byron Sniffybutt Pantsalot Marmadoodle”…or something to this effect. Most of the time, we call him ‘Nomie…but Tay calls him Foofie. (I’ve no idea why.)

As for me, I’ve been called Kathryn, Kathy, Kate and Kay. (IV goes by C-man or sweet man. That is, if he’s being supportive that day.)

I’m not a huge fan of the snooty nicknames, like Buffy, or Buzzy…or Jacko. (Apologies in advance to any Buffys, Buzzys for Jackos I may have inadvertently insulted in this post.)

I guess the oddest nickname I’d ever heard was for a guy named Tiff….which I hadn’t thought twice about until I got an email from him and saw it was short for Tiffany. (Again…apologies to any male Tiffanys out there…I was sure Tiff was short for something more…manly…((sorry again)) like TIP-ping a cow, or getting into a TIFF with someone…or giving someone a S-TIFF lip for making fun of their name.) Wait. Is that even slang for punching someone in the mouth? I’m a girl…what do I know?

As for my terms of endearment, most of you know I’m a big fan of Sweetie…the occasional Doll (very Elaine Stritch) and sometimes Honey. I do not discriminate between male and female…although, I do not believe I’ve called any guy Doll. I have called a few of them Idiot and Sh!tForBrains….but that’s another post entirely.

Of course, none of you guys fall into this category…