The Ribbon Whore-Prelude

Opening Scene:

As credits roll, Kathryn (stunning, slim, dark-haired beauty) steps up to the podium. She smiles a breathtakingly gorgeously-white smile as her perfectly-shaped coffee-colored eyes scan the faces of the thousands of people gathered on the grounds before her.

(“What? Too much?? Did I just notice someone in the third row rolling their eyes at my somewhat overweening description of myself? I’m citing freedom of speech and my right to practice the art of creative embellishment, dammit. Besides, most of it is true....sort of.”)

Now. Where was I??

Clinton Kelly (IV Extraordinairre): “You were standing at an imaginary podium, looking impossibly stunning, scanning the faces of your fantasy audience.”

Kathryn: (Smiles brightly) "Ah, yes. Welcome to the insanity that is the holiday season of 2009. Prepare for long lines, tons of traffic and temporarily losing the ability to properly close one's pants."

CK: "Yes...it's official. Once Black Friday's come and gone, it's every man for himself. Or woman..."

Kathryn: "Always happy for your input, Mr. Kelly. What did you think of those garlic mashed potatoes and candied yams I made for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday? Huh? Huh??”

CK: (Confused) “Um. Thanksgiving wasn’t yesterday…it was Thursday.”

K: “Well, maybe your Thanksgiving was Thursday, but we did a Mock-Thanksgiving this year, so ours was on Friday. This required my creating a pseudo/practice somewhat more compact version on Thursday for the boys and myself, whilst still having the enormous responsibility of contributing the garlic mashed potatoes and candied yams for the hoards of people arriving on Friday at Laura’s for the main-mock-event.”

CK: (Sits back, crosses legs) “Refresh my memory. What’s with the ‘mock’ bit again?”

K: “Mock: (adjective) 1. Imitation: Made to appear like something else. 2. Pretend: Done as an act, especially in order to muse people. 3. Practice: Done as practice for the real thing.”

CK: (Sighs) “I know what it means, kiddo. I’m asking why you have it in the first place.”

K: “Ah. Sorry. Every other year, we have our side of the family on Friday and let the in-laws have the actual day, so there’s no squabbling over seeing children, grandchildren and the like. My side of the family is very flexible this way, so we take the high road. Hence, the ‘mock’.”

CK: “How accommodating of you. So you and da boys had turkey and all the fixings two days in a row? Isn’t that a bit…much?”

K: “God, no. I made a spiral ham, baked potatoes and brussels sprouts on Thursday.”

CK: “Brussels sprouts? Were they being punished for something?”

K: “HaHa. My kids actually like brussels sprouts….at least, I think they do. I know somebody ate them…but it might have been me.”

CK: “Huh. So, how was the main event on Friday at your sister’s? Everything good?”

K: “Everything excellent. The turkeys were moist, the stuffing was incredible, the company was fabulous and the mashed potatoes and yams were simply out of this world, confirming my belief that sending a desperate plea to a higher authority does indeed precipitate an outstanding outcome.”

CK: (Chuckles) “Meaning?”

K: “I sent up a silent plea to God/the universe/the cosmic keeper of good deeds/ to please not let my garlic mashed potatoes and candied yams suck.”

CK: “So, am I to understand that you prepared said dishes, boxed them up, threw them in your trunk and on the way over to the main event, you sent up a plea/prayer/appeal for your contribution to 'not suck'?”

K: “Yes.”

CK: “So. Amidst all the prayers for world peace and an end to world hunger and wishes for good health and prosperity for all those in need, you felt your prayer for raves on your meal contribution were a high enough priority to be recognized and granted.”

K: “Yes.”

CK: “Interesting. And how does this tie in with the title of this post?”

K: “Oh, it doesn’t. That post comes tomorrow. This is just the teaser.”

CK: “Oh, you are bad. Any ham left? I could go for a sandwich…”

K: “Sure. Want some brussels sprouts on the side?”

Hope everyone had a fabulous holiday!