Judge & Jury

I recently caught an episode of 48 Hours Mystery. If you haven’t seen it, it’s probably because you have an active social life and are not usually available to watch television at 10pm on a Saturday night.

Get. Off. My. Blog.

The premise of these shows is always the same: Someone died. Someone else is on trial for the murder of said deceased person. Person on trial swears they didn’t do it. We get to hear all the gruesome details about how they liked to have naughty sex in the most troublesome of ways…oh, and we get to hear about the murder scene, too.

It’s supposed to be objective, with the reporter giving you the information from both the prosecution's and the defense's angles…but it rarely works out that way. Within the first five minutes of airtime I’ve already announced the verdict (usually to the dog), whilst rolling my eyes dramatically. But I watch the other 55 minutes…just to be sure.

The other night, it was the wife who was behind bars. She had really long blonde hair that she kept flipping over her shoulder, then tilting her head in just such a way that it would slip over her shoulder and back to the front.

Then, she would flip it again. Over and over. For 55 minutes.

She said she was an entertainer and a choreographer. She was actually a showgirl and a stripper. Potay-to, potat-o…

She says she was infertile, so she decided to have a rip-roaring good ‘ole time and travel and date and gamble and strip and dance and be decadent ‘cause she didn’t have to be a responsible person if she didn’t have children. (Hey, she said it…not me.)

She said she got married “a few times”. In actuality, it was seven. Seven.

Then she marries this guy and he pays for all these infertility treatments and she becomes pregnant. They have a son. They’re married for "eight blissful years", according to her. “He was a good man,” she says…whilst flipping her annoying hair off her shoulder. Hubby drives off on business road trip, hits bad weather and decides to turn around and head on home.

(This is the part where the dog and I shout at the teevee, “Nooooooo! Don’t do it! You’re gonna be murdered and mutilated and mayhem shall ensue!!! They’ll find only your torso stuffed in a big blue Rubbermaid container a few miles from your home in the desert!!!” But, it’s too late.)

He goes missing and everyone’s worried, except for the wife…who’s shopping for a brand new, super-shiny, black grand piano and a bunch of other stuff, when she isn’t flipping her stupid freakin' annoying long hair out of the way.

Oh, and she’s been having an affair. The deceased’s mother keeps calling and calling, looking for her son…and it’s annoying the crap outta blondie. “She was always jealous of me,” blondie says, flipping her I wanna strangle her with it long hair. It didn’t help when the detective in charge of the investigation calls her to request she take a polygraph test and the boyfriend’s voice is there in the background, telling the detective to go eff herself.

Good drama. Good teevee.

Idiot boyfriend pisses off detective. Detective gets search warrant. Search warrant is delivered by SWAT team. (Can you say “r-a-t-i-n-g-s”??) Idiot boyfriend tries to take down SWAT team…idiot boyfriend gets boo-boos….everywhere.

Still, in the end…blondie takes the fall. She swears up, down and sideways that SHE didn’t do it…the boyfriend did it. She swears! It must be true!

The jury was out for only two hours of deliberation. The most damning piece of evidence against blondie? Not the excessive spending….nor the boyfriend…or the fact that she resisted reporting her husband as missing….it was….(wait for it)…

…the surveillance videotape from Lowe’s of blondie at the checkout buying the BIG BLUE RUBBERMAID CONTAINER!!! She had no explanation for that one. They gave her life. No parole. I do believe she’s appealing. You can’t make this sh!t up.

I’ll never look at a Rubbermaid container the same again.