Since this site was created, I’ve tried my best to make you smile. It’s brought me more joy than you’ll ever know to hear the encouraging comments and cyber-laughs that sometimes ensue from my um, unusual take on life. Tomorrow will be another typical post, from another typical day.
This however, is the exception for the year. For today is October 18th… and it marks the anniversary of the day we lost Mom. It was the day our world turned upside down. It’s hard to believe that nine years have passed since that day. The years pass...the familiar ache diminishes ever so slightly...everyday moments become easier to endure…they do.
But still, we wonder: How long does a child grieve for its lost mother? Is there an expiration date on mourning? A day where the heartache just…melts away? A moment where you won’t be brought to tears by some unexpected, gentle reminder she’s left behind?
She’s not supposed to be gone, you know. Why can’t anyone understand that simple fact? Her death was never supposed to happen…not now, not for a very long time. We should have had years with her…thousands of conversations, hundreds of shopping trips, countless lunches and brunches out. I feel cheated and immeasurably sad. Live has moved on, but it’s not the same anymore. She’s not there. I can’t just pick up the phone and find her. I dream that I’m trying to call her…and the numbers are wrong…or the phone’s unplugged; stupid, frustrating reasons. The dreams always end with silence…where the warm sound of her voice should have been.
Our relationship with her was a much a friendship as anything…somewhere along the way, we crossed some imaginary line and became really good friends with our mother. Does that happen a lot these days? I’ve no clue, but I sensed even then how unique it was. A coming of age…finally appreciating her for the person she was and not just the one we could run to for unconditional help and support. She watched her three girls bring seven babies into the world and shared in the joy of watching them grow…but it was finite. She never got to see her only son marry his soul mate…never got to hold their precious babies.
The injustice of it all leaves me breathless. I don’t want time to heal this wound…don’t want life to go on without her.
Doesn’t anyone understand? I want her back.
How do we go on with life when we feel like we’ve left someone behind? When every instinct is screaming inside to run back for the one who’s missing?
How do we celebrate another celebration when someone so…essential is gone? They say the first of everything after a loss is the hardest…and it undeniably is. Surviving those aching moments of bereavement makes the next round easier to bear…but it still hurts. She’s still gone. The holidays are approaching…and the memories are fast on its heels and we must once again find a way to make it through.
And I guess that’s the crux of it all. No matter what anyone says or does, the undeniable fact is that life will go on without her …like it or not. Somehow, we’ll need to accept this and find a way to move on. Maybe the way to do that is to imagine what Mom would have to say about it: That you can’t let your loss keep you from living. That just because she lost her life doesn’t mean she wants us to stop appreciating ours. That if anything, we should embrace all that she loved in this life, especially each other, and hold tight to our memories, our hopes and dreams...for they were hers as well.
We’ll never forget. We’ll honor her every day by following her example:
- Find the good in life and make it matter.
- Take the high road whenever you can.
- And don’t forget to take care of yourself.
I may never be able to put my arms around her again, except in my dreams, but I can still talk to her. I’ll share memories of her with the boys often, so they’ll never forget this woman who meant the world to me. I’ll remind them and all those I cherish how much I love them, so I’ll have no doubt that they always know.
And I’ll never doubt for a moment that she’s listening.
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance~
And if you get the chance to sit it out, or dance…I hope you dance."
Beautiful post, Kathryn.
Thank you for sharing.
I lost my mother when I was 5 years old, so I know a bit of what you may be feeling right now. The connection a child has with a mother is like no other.
I loved what you shared here about following her example. These are things we ALL should follow. She sounded like an awesome lady.
I can tell from knowing you (even though our blogs) that you emulate her examples to perfection.
And it's like you shared...
never doubt for a moment that she’s listening.
And not only listening, but smiling down at you with pride!
Please know that I share a HUGE hug and tons of LOVE with you on this day.
Love ya, my friend!
{{{{ x K x}}}}}}
What a beautiful post. We always remember the ones we lost and I think in remembering what they stood for and loved the most is the best way to honor them.
I have had a long and bumpy road with my step mother but now she has become one of my dearest friends.
Thank you Kathryn for the reminder to alway let our loved ones know how much they mean to us. You are going to touch a lot of lives with this post today and make your mom really proud!
What a beautiful and sad tribute to your mother.
It's true, that when someone close to us loses a loved one, we try to think of comforting things to say. But the cold fact is: that person is gone, and we want her back. There's just no way to resolve that ache, that longing to be with that person again.
I lost my dad 7 years ago, but my mom is very much alive and a big part of my life. She's coming over today to work in the yard with me. I think I'll give her a big hug.
What a beautifully articulated post. I'm sure your mother was an amazing woman and you are certainly following in her footsteps.
Hugs to you, Sweetie~
Oh Kathryn I loved today's post. I still have my mother (thankfully), but I lost my grandmother when I started to date my husband. She was like a second mom to me, and when she passed it destroyed the whole family. None of us are the same, especially her daughters and older grandkids (me included).
I completely know what you mean when you say, "Doesn’t anyone understand? I want her back."
When she was sick I kept telling her she wasn't going to die until she met my first born. I would promise her that. I was 15 at the time and I thought that by making that promise I would at least gives her another 10 years. Little did I know the cancer came back a year later and she passed. When I found I was pregnant I couldn't help my be angry thinking, "She should've been here to see her, to see me and talk some sense into my mom about not being a hypocrite."
I talk to her all the time, and that's what gets me going on certain days that are only hers.
Thank you Kathryn for sharing, because it's easy to make people laugh, but hard to make people cry. (I mean this in a good way). =)
Hey K~
This was beautiful and what better way to immortalize your mother than with your gift of words? Thank you for sharing with us a little bit of her so that we might glimpse what a special person she so obviously was. And also for sharing your pain. You can't truly know someone until you experience their "bad" along with their "good". Just know that our thoughts are with you as you make it through this day again. I'm confident your mother would be proud and touched by your tribute.
♥Spot
I haven't lost a parent, but I have lost a friend. I can't know what losing a parent is like, but if I'm not over my friend... I don't think we stop grieving, I do think that eventually, we can see that we never lose anything without also gaining something. Whether that's a greater appreciation for what we had or a strengthening of the relationships we still have. It still royally sucks though. As if I needed to add that understatement.
My husband passed twenty years ago at the tender age of 36 and left behind 4 great kids, the youngest of which was our almost-5-year-old daughter. To this very day she 'n I still weep often, as if he left just yesterday. So in MY eyes, the term "time heals all wounds" is just a bunch of malarkey.
A loss as great as ours will NEVER heal.
We just learn how to DEAL.
Damn you - I've got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I lost my mum about 2 and a half years ago, but she'd been ill for a while .... I really regret that she never saw me qualify professionally or lose all this weight, or a hundred other things. I know she'd be proud, and tell me to stop moping and get on with stuff, but it doesn't stop me wishing she was here to talk to and ask her advice. I'll never forget her though, and you won't forget yours either.
This was so touching. Now I should appreciate my mom being here with me more than ever. Thanks.
=( This friday marks the 7th anniversary of the only mother I ever truely knew...my beloved grandmother.
Thank you for posting this. It really does help to know that you aren't alone in missing someone so pertinent. And that it's ok to still hurt. No matter how long it's been.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. My Grammy passed away nine years ago in December. She was the center of our family, the center of our lives. None of us are the same, the family has drifted without her to hold us together. My mom and I will often tear up when we come across a favorite recipe or hear a few words that are just so Grammy. As time has passed it doesn't hurt as much, often we smile through the tears. But, the hole left in our lives remains just as big today as it was the day she passed.
So, I will say to you what I tell myself often... Take her with you in your heart so she is never left behind or left out.
Today you should do something that was your moms favorite thing! Embrace it and have fun... and take her with you in your heart.
I never knew my biological parents so I can't say I can relate to this, but I've lost people very close to me. Beautiful post today, Kathryn. I like the tone of it. Your mother sounds like she was an awesome person and taught you and your siblings a good attitude to have towards the cruel side of life.
Kathryn,
Even though you miss her, seems like you have relatively few regrets about the relationship you had with her. Not everyone is so lucky.
Some great suggestions from the other commenters, too.
It is evident that you touched so many hearts today, with your posting. My father died when I was nineteen months old, so my mother was the only parent I ever really knew. She died in 1993, but I still think of her almost daily. Now when I look in the mirror, I also see her. When I was young I didn't think I resembled her, but I do now. Wish she could see how much we look alike. Wish she could see the fine people her grandkids have become, she loved them so much. It is bearable to be without her now, but I will never stop missing her.
Beautifully articulated.
The relationship with our mom is unique and precious. To be sure, a death of a mom leaves a big hole in the fabric of our being. Nothing can take the place of the one who gave us life, love and warmth. A mom's love lives on in our core and can never be diminished.
My mom is still alive and everyday I appreciate her more than the day
before. Thank you for this post.
Oh Kathryn, you've written a wonderful tribute to your mom. I would love to know so much more about her. I lost my mom in 07. She had lived a charmed life, being married to my loving dad for 51 years. However, when she was ready to go she seemed to hold on for me. I had to tell her that is was ok for her to leave and that I would be fine... I still dream of her, and in my dreams she is my friend, included in every sequence. When I was small, I would sit on the kitchen floor while she prepared meals. I would ask for promises that she would never leave me. She would always say that she would be there for a very long time, but that she would have to leave before I did, because she could not ever be happy again if I left her first.
OK. The lump in my throat is choking me and the screen is blurry. Thank you so much for your beautiful post. (And to your followers for sharing their heart felt thoughts as well.)
So very sorry to hear about your Mom, but am glad that you are able to think of her and display your love and memory of her beautifully in words. Losing someone you love is never easy, but it is that much harder when it is untimely and a parent. My heart goes out to you.
Our day is in July. That is the date of my mother's anniversary, of her death. It was 6 years this past summer, and it still doesn't go unnoticed. So many things have happened in our family since she died. My daughters each have a child that she's never met and would adore.
She was the BEST grandmother and I just can't imagine how great a 'great' she'd have been. She was one smart cookie, she could cut you down to size, put others in their places, give me perspective, let me know if some person was manipulating me, taking advantage. She could make me and many others I've seen, feel more special than ever before. Noone gave a wedding like Nancie Burns, made you feel GREAT when you thought that that you just couldn't feel any greater!
When she hugged me she always rubbed my back at the same time, I do that now.
If someone hurt one of her four kids, she'd take her kid somewhere, even just for a ride to the beach, and all the way there tell you how just AWFUL that person was, & before you knew it she'd have you thinking about how not so bad you really were and how well you'd meant whatever had been misconstrued or plain abused.
Its that thing that somehow makes everyone think that their mom makes the best spaghetti sauce, you know? That's the thing that I miss the most, how very special Nance was to ME.
I don't care what anyone else felt, yet I do, because she made us each feel that all that mattered in the end was what WE alone felt, and that it was important to honor the feelings of others.
She always said that we had to have 'inner self' in order to survive, she taught me how to carry on, how to get through two divorces, three miscarriages and one still born child before I had my own four kids....the thing that she forgot to teach me was how to carry on without her.
It has been six LONG years, I am in tears now, but it's okay, because I know that they're good tears. How awful would it be if I didn't miss her? If I hadn't had her?
I miss her every second of every minute of every day, STILL.
I've been wondering why it's still so acute, so thank you for telling me that it takes a long time.
When I get answers like that I honestly, forgive me, think that they must somehow be from her. Because she would just look at me and she would KNOW.
She too would say don't let your grief get in your way, let it teach you to be more compassionate and patient with others, and move on.
I talk to her every day, every single day.
And I try to be the kind of grandmother (in my forties!) that she was, I don't generally think that I make my grandchildren feel the way that she could make my kids feel, but that's okay too, because I have that bar to reach for all the time, so she is still guiding me in some important ways. She always helped me fly by the seat of my pants, with grace and humility.
You have a great outlook, my mom would have liked you a lot.
That is really saying something.
Thank you.
I know that one day someone I love-my Mom or Ed-will pass away. But I love that they're here now and that I'm living with their love and support behind me. Its only natural to grieve and I salute you for showing how much you miss her. Good for you Kathryn.
While part of you will always grieve be thankful you had such a wonderful Mom for the time you had. In truth when it is someone you truly love life is never long enough. I lost my dad at 17 and one of the biggest regrets is that Mrs B never got to meet him. I can only hope she sees part of him in me. Sadly I lost my mother at the same time, not physically but mentally in truth that is probably worse, to see someone stop making the most of life. So as you so wisely say “Don’t forget to take care of yourself” I wish my mother had taken that advice.
My thoughts are with you, along with a lot of bloggers who you bring a lot of joy to. Your mum would be very proud of you, if I can bring a ¼ of the joy to people that you do I would be a very happy primal coloured bunny. ….
My heart aches for you. Don't put pressure on yourself and don't let others make you feel like you should be 'moving on'. I don't think we're supposed to move on.
I spent 12 years working in funeral service. What I learned about losing a loved one was this:
Remember the times you had: laugh about them, cry about them, but most of all ... love. Love who they were, love who you were with them, love what they made you become and love who they left behind. It's the best legacy they can have and one you can give them.
Oh, Kathryn this is beautiful. I am getting to the point (kids hitting their 20's) where I think also about them losing me and how pissed that would make me to miss things. What a wonderful tribute that you wrote. And how lucky you are to have had a mom like that...
Sorry to hear about your mothers loss Kathryn....
It's horrible.
I've been really torn up lately about my own mothers passing.
{{hugs to you}}
Ron! If I wasn't a puddle on the floor before I saw this comment, I am one now. You always know the right thing to say, my friend....probably why you're the wonderful writer that you are. I know my mom wud've loved you as much as I do...thank you for the love. xo
Heather: Thanks for the kind words. I could not think of a better way to honor such an extraordinary woman. I felt it was the least I could do.
Mark Price: Thank you, sir. What I wouldn't give for ONE MORE HUG. Even all this time later...you never forget, I guess.
JD at I Do Things: Thanks, JD. Knowing your mom's getting that extra big hug helps. I'll be sure to give my dad an extra one for you as well.
Chrissy: Thanks, sweetie. I'm glad I was able to give her this tribute. I'll be happy if I'm half the woman she was!
book*addict: Thank you for the beautiful comment, sweetie...and for sharing a little bit about your grandmother. She sounds like someone my mom would have enjoyed meeting. Here's hoping they've found each other and are talking about us right now!
Spot: What a beautiful thing to say! I'm proud to have been her daughter...and I can only hope that I can be as eloquent and comforting as your words just were for me. Thank you!
Lauren: I hear what you're saying, though. I feel bad when someone'll tell me that their relative died at like, 90 years old and they'll add the disclaimer "I know he lived a long life and all..." and I'll say, "But that gave you that much more time to love him." There are no easy answers...no easy words. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. There...that's all any of us can do.
MeanDonnaJean: I'm so sorry for your loss. I DO believe that it gets easier....but it's wrong to say that it ever goes away. Far from it. It just lies in wait...right below the surface.
starfish264: Aw...so, we'll swallow that lump together...all the while wishing for our moms. I'm sorry...I don't think you're ever too old to want your mom.
marissa the Conservative: Thank you. There is nothing finer than looking someone you love square in the eye and saying "I LOVE YOU." I'm so glad I got to do that.
emotional diva: Beautifully put. Yes, it's okay...no emotional deadline on the sadness. I've talked to a lot of ppl about this and leaned we all grieve in our own way. I'm sorry for your loss.
Shawn: Yes! You've totally nailed it! "Smiling thru the tears"...it's so true. We remember with less tears now and more laughter, but the heart still squeezes with missing her. Thanks for the lovely comment.
Insanity: Thanks, sweetie. Yes, she was determined to make sure we appreciated each other (siblings) whether we wanted to, or not! Now, I don't know what we'd do without each other.
Straight Guy: You are correct, my friend. I have absolutely no regrets...I loved her totally, completely and LOUDLY. I'm grateful for that, at least.
Ann: We have to believe that she DOES see her beautiful grandkids...that she's watching and listening and still loving. Can't you feel her sometimes? I know I can.
Angelina: So beautifully put! I know that her love will live on in me and also in my children...we will never forget her and will always honor her-she was an amazing woman. Thank you for the lovely comment!
Cynica Sarcastamos: Oy. The tears! What a beautiful comment you've left me! I'm picturing you as a little girl...asking mom to promise not to leave you...and what she replied...such a "mom" thing to say! I dream of Mom as well...altho, not often enough for me. In many dreams, I'm lucid...and then I can't stop sobbing. I mean, how many times can you tell someone how much you love and miss them??
serendipitous: Thank you....it does help to remember her here. The kind, thoughtful words of everyone here has shown me that I've described her well.
Noelle: No, thank YOU. I think it's important that we remember the ones we love and miss on the deepest levels...and I know how you feel. Our world was never the same after losing Mom...it became a definitive line. There was "before" and there was "after". I totally and completely "get" you.
oddyoddyo13: It's a pleasure to share the amazing woman that she was with all of you....thank you.
BlackLOG: Oh! You've made me smile with the reminder of the primal-colored bunny! It's so sad that your mum wasn't able to come back from the loss of your dad...so much for YOU to bear...do you think your mum realizes this? I guess everyone handles grief differently...I hope you have siblings that were able to help you thru it, my colorful bunny-friend. :)
Monica Manning: Thank you! Such a wonderful way to look at it! Yes, I do love the many, many pieces of her I see in all of us....she's definitely left her legacy, which will go on and on. Thanks so much!
Maureen@IslandRoar: Thanks, sweetie. It's so hard to lose ANYONE, of course...but it's made da boys think about losing me as well. I can't always hide my tears from them and they need to understand that I miss MY mom, too.
F8hasit: Nancy, I know you're hurting too, sweetie. It's something I wish we *didn't* have in common.
Time....we just need time....
xo
i havent lost anyone really important but if i did i would in depression for weeks T.T i keep telling my dad that if doesnt stop drnking cokes itts going to end up killing he has like 4 a day but im not in the position to say that cus i used to drink cokes to hehe
saku chan: Maybe you can start mixing his coke with caffeine-free? In big bottles? He'll never guess!
Just tell him you love him...don't forget that.
I thought I would've lost my mum when I was litle she had breast cancer, and the doctor told her she would die, ut she (this keyboard hats me I swer, the vowels are against me tody) she told the doctors F**K you, I'm going to live."
And she did, so Im lucky, I dont know what I'd do if I ever lost my mum, its very kind of you to write such a blog entry and my thoughts are with you, its hard loosing someone so close to you, and that time of mourning will never end, because your love for her will never cease.
There will be times when it will hurt, and there will be times when her memory makes you smile, the important thing is that you still hold her close to your heart.
The sun may not seem as bright, nor the flowers as fragrant without her physically here, but I'm sure she's watching over you now having a good ol' laugh with whomever she may be with.
Kathryn,
I feel for your pain today. I don't believe a child ever gets over the loss of a mother.
One thing I'm sure is that she is very proud of you and the mother you are. I haven't been following your blog for very long but I can see clearly the love you have for your children.
My prayers are with you and your family, today and through the holiday season. God Bless.
This is a beautiful, touching post. I'm so sorry about your mother. Intellectually, I tell myself, "death is part of life," but it still doesn't change how much we miss people when they are gone. I still reach for the phone to call Grandma H, and it has been almost four years. Heartfelt thoughts heading out your way, Kathryn. Hugs.
I don't even wanna imagine that someday in God's time i'll lost my loved ones. Take heart kat!
Kathryn,
Thank you for a wonderful post and for sharing your pain with us. Most of us can relate in some way. My dad died when I was just 15 and while we really weren't that close, I still miss him.
Remembering isn't as good as having them there, but it is still good to remember.
God bless!
~Kimberly
Between catching up on you and Nancy's posts today I have been thisclose to being brought to tears.
This was so sweet and I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. This made me think of my own parents and how I'm not sure how life can go on once their gone. I'll be calling both of them this afternoon...that's for sure.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Kathryn,
Thanks for the beautiful post -- both in the depth of your thoughts and feelings and in your ability to choose words that match that depth.
Inevitably, I will lose my parents one of these days. I'm not ready. Not intellectually, not emotionally. But, I still spend my time like they will be there tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. You post is inspiring to live with those we love while we can.
Wow. What a moving post. I haven't lost a parent but I know the pain that comes with missing someone dear to the heart who's died. I did a post earlier this fall about my cousin, Austin, and the good times we shared. I still regret not letting him know how much I cared for him, but I do keep the happy times in my heart and play them over and over like an old home movie when I miss him. I find that this really hurts, and that really helps. Does that make me crazy? Probably. But hey, reading a paragraph or two of my writing would have revealed that truth, anyhow!
evilteenietiff: Girlie, you have a wonderful way with words for one so young! You express things so well...thank you so much!
Alicia: Again...you guys just blow me away with your eloquence. I so appreciate all the kind words...they've really helped a lot.
Allegria: Thank you...and I'm sorry for your loss as well. The pain does dull as time marches on, but we never, ever forget, right?
Meg:Thank you so much! It means a lot that you took the time to comment.
Kimberly: Yes, you're right. I'm sorry about your dad. Unfortunately, our memories will have to do...
lifelove'n'wine: Thanks, sweetie. I really appreciate all the support from everyone. It definitely made it easier today.
Gay Guy: That's just how I felt. Every time I would even consider it, I'd put it out of my mind. "I'm not ready...no way...can't handle it." I hope you have many, many years ahead of you with your parents, sweetie. Just say what you need/want to say. Have no regrets.
jmberrygirl: No, not crazy. I know exactly what you mean. Like I just said to GG (above...I hadn't read your comment yet) the main thing is to TRY and not have to live with regret...it's a horrible thing and I'm grateful that she always knew how loved she was by all of us. Sometimes, it's the best we can do...
(((((Kathryn)))))
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. This post has really made me step back and think about some things...
*more hugs*
I agree with Ron. Your mother is very proud of you.
Take care...
~Smoog
yes it is terribly hard when you loose a loved one. iv been through it with three grandparents. it is hard to deal with but you must go on. it never stops hurting but you must not think if them being dead but think of there life. remember them as they were alive not that they died. your post made me cry cuse i understand your pain. at some point everyone goes through the pain of looseing a loved one but life goes on and you must live each day with happiness and enjoy the days . remember they watch over you and want you to be happy.
I never knew loss, I mean CLOSE loss like I did 3 months ago when we lost our son. And honestly, NOTHING in the world prepares you for that sort of loss. The sort of loss that is the blood that runs through your veins, like your mother for you and my son for me. That sort of loss to me is a tragic one. I am not trying to downplay other losses. Like the loss of a grandmother or aunt, uncle, etc. But someone like your mom must be escruciating. They have a saying in Italian that says something like-you can have a million dads but only one mother and it's so true! So my heart goes out to you. And the only thing we can do is keep the memory of them alive. My thoughts are with you today.
I never knew loss, I mean CLOSE loss like I did 3 months ago when we lost our son. And honestly, NOTHING in the world prepares you for that sort of loss. The sort of loss that is the blood that runs through your veins, like your mother for you and my son for me. That sort of loss to me is a tragic one. I am not trying to downplay other losses. Like the loss of a grandmother or aunt, uncle, etc. But someone like your mom must be escruciating. They have a saying in Italian that says something like-you can have a million dads but only one mother and it's so true! So my heart goes out to you. And the only thing we can do is keep the memory of them alive. My thoughts are with you today.
Smoog! Thanks, sweetie. I miss her bunches....and I love the fact that I can still hear her voice in my head. It was wonderful to be able to write about her this way.
snoble24: Yes, this is true. I know that I wouldn't want my boys to be unhappy when they remember me. That's a very wise point!
Loredana: Oh...and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. That squeezing of the heart does wane with time...and the memories become of happier times before we had to bear losing them. I wish you the same comfort you've just shared with me....thank you, my friend.
Smoog! Thanks, sweetie. I miss her bunches....and I love the fact that I can still hear her voice in my head. It was wonderful to be able to write about her this way.
Kathryn, I obviously never knew your mom. But I'm almost positive that I can hear her voice through your writing too. I can only imagine that if I were your mom, I would be so honoured to have read that post, and I would be insanely proud of you for your talent and skill.
Thanks again for sharing this post with us. You rock K!
*hugs*
Have a great day!
Smoog: You've made me smile, once again. And not an easy thing to do at 11:10pm! I'm loving all the comments though....isn't everyone great? Mom would have LOVED this...
Me and my friends wanted to be BOY Scouts when we were 8. So we quit Girl Scouts and signed up. They wouldn't let us in. I'm still pissed off about it.
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