Two expressions relating to love that I…well, love:
- “The heart wants what the heart wants.” (Implying that logic has absolutely nothing to do with governing our emotions….a fact that I find excruciatingly, undeniably true)
- “We do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want. And, this I know: Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could’ve changed your life.” (Okay, so this does not expressly imply it’s about love…but it speaks to me anyway, so I’m allowing it.)
It’s my blog and I’ll preach if I want to…
Sometimes, life is about opposites. Not unlike Fridays and Sundays…or weekdays and holidays…sometimes…you either love something or you hate it. There’s no middle ground to be found…and you’re having enough trouble just keeping yourself on the road. The steering wheel has a serious cut to the right and it’s taking every ounce of your strength to keep from drifting into the breakdown lane…where those stupid cuts in the highway make your car vibrate like a cheap rent-by-the-hour motel bed.
You know what I’m talkin’ about.
No??
I’m talking about love. So much of the time, it seems we’re either searching for it, or suffocating from it. See? Rarely middle ground. For those lucky few that are living the miracle of emotional bliss, I both honor & envy you. It seems that you have the rarest of unities...and it's possible that you may need to be studied. It seems the majority of songs are dedicated to finding, discovering or searching for love and I believe the only time it’s absolutely unconditional is when it comes from Mom.
I will argue this point indefinitely, so consider yourself warned. Your relationship with your mom is unquestionably the only one that comes with absolutely no prior baggage….think about this. It’s the purest form of love. The freshest, cleanest of beginnings. The kind of love that causes your mom to instinctively throw herself in front of a bus for you…or is that because she couldn’t stand one more minute of your whining?
The jury’s still out on this one.
And what was that song? Oh, right…love...IS LIKE OXYGEN.
No matter who you are…celebrity or common-folk…we’re all helplessly powerless to resist it. It completes us…gives us a reason to put one breath in front of the other.
I dare anyone to tell me it doesn’t matter…that they’d be just as happy without it.
“Love will keep us together”…Captain & Tenille.
“Love is blue.”…Paul Mauriat (a shout-out to my dad)
“Love me tender”….Elvis Presley
“I would do anything for love…but I won’t do THAT.”…Meatloaf
Okay, so 99% of the time, there’s a common theme. There’s always that one oddball in the group.
I make no apologies for wearing my heart on my sleeve...for loving without holding back. What’s the point of feeling something only halfway? Where’s the joy in that?? I'll move mountains for the people I love…and I’ve often ruminated that the "objects of my affection" are priceless…and I am eternally grateful for them. But do I hope for more? That soul mate...that one person that'll echo my laugh when something's funny, wrap me in his arms when I'm sad...look me square in the eye and say, "This is what we'll do" when things get scary? Of course. I hope he's out there....somewhere. But, not just anyone. Not the guy who's "fine", or "okay"...I'm still hoping for the one who'll make my stomach do a mini cartwheel when I spot him across the room. The one who'll make my heart patter when I see him walking towards me...with a slow smile on his lips and love in his eyes. Yes, folks...this time, I'm holding out. I'll wait, or I'll do without. This time, I want fireworks.
Juvenile? Maybe. Unattainable? Perhaps. Worth waiting for? Absolutely.
Till then, I will remain the eternal optimist…forever hoping…endlessly scanning the horizon...looking for fireworks.
(Dedicated to my Tweetbud, Marisol)
This is awesome! And true. No one should just "settle". Love is meant to be shared wholeheartedly, body, mind & soul. That's the only way to experience such an important part of a human life. Why have just sparklers when you can get the whole firework show!
As I have said before I’m impressed on the amount you produce but I now notice that very few sites out there are Kathryn free with comments coming thick and fast. I have come to the conclusion that you have either cloned yourself or you are selling Kathryn Franchises, rather like McDonalds with the whole conformity look and feel but much batter taste and as yet no reported deaths through heart disease.
Now I’m going to get into trouble with you. I’ve been with Mrs B for 24 years, married for 14 (yes I kept her waiting…) I have to disagree with your middle ground theory, sorry but - we are not looking for love (or at least I’m not and I’m guessing Mrs B is not) and we are not stifled by it. Yes we argue a bit but on the whole we got on great, Yes we do lots together but we have our own interests as well, which leaves us firmly in the middle ground.….
Which takes me onto the Mom relationship (hand me that spade, while I keep on digging) my mother is a nightmare and like a firework ready to explode at any moment…. Now I’ve lit the blue touch paper I shall retreat …Looking forward to seeing this “Kathryn Wheel” going off….ok that’s me running for cover, I guess I should count myself lucky that there is a large stretch of water between us.
P.S Please note I don’t have to agree with you to love the blog….Harsh but fair
"Love is Like a Hurricane", one of my personal favorites.
However, hurricanes have devatating effects, as have my past loves.
:-)
I'm right there with ya' sister. Nice post Kathryn!
Now you are motivating me to wear my heart on my sleave more. Which I have been trying to avoid doing lately... For good reason I think. But then again, loving someone lots is a whole lot more interesting than only going half way.
Don't compromise, you'll find someone worth the wait. I am lucky to have that person. My husband is amazing. I think the only true unconditional love comes from dogs.
I'm going to have to agree with BlackLog. I've known my hubby for 5 years and have been married to him for 2. Yeah, it hasn't been long, and we're super young so we're still wearing those rose colored glasses, but i think once you find one you learn to take the middle ground.
Although I agree with you in the sense that you shouldn't settle, just know that once you find "the one" it's not going to be butterflies in the tummy and rainbows, and heart plitter-plattering randomly all the time. It will come to a point where it plateaus and you feel as if the love is gone. That's when TRUE love kicks in; when the honeymoon phase is over and you're still with your SOS.
I love your blogs Kathryn, keep them coming. ;)
I'm unashamedly not prepared to compromise on this point, and I for one am stubbornly holding out for my "prince", wherever the hell he is. And I'll tell you now, when he gets here, he's in big trouble cos he is L.A.T.E!!!
I just can't seem to be bothered with anything less - I get totally irritated with them for things that I let my friends get away with all the time. So in the meantime, I keep looking (and occasionally lusting after someone inappropriate to keep life entertaining), and keep running an unintentional "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen" on the one's interested in me but already rejected ....
Ah well!
I would have to say I disagree. I don't think I've ever felt that love from either of my parents was unconditional. I know they would say it is, but my lasting memories are of them criticising me for my weight, my accent, and my apparent lack of control of my finances. I spent most of my teenage years trying to prove to them that there was nothing wrong with me in any of those respects, but undeniably always felt that their praise and love was dependent on the above fitting in with their expectations.
Secondly, I do believe that I have unconditional love from my husband. I guess you could argue that his love for me is conditional on the fact that I love him, and I'll give you that; but I do honestly feel that it would take a lot for either of us to stop loving each other.
You will find him one of these days. Here's the trick: you have to stop looking! I know it sounds like a stupid movie cliche, but it's true. I went through 2 really rough relationships and pretty much gave up until I met my husband. He's not perfect, but neither am I, and I like it that way. Definately hold out until you find the right one, because they really are worth all the waiting in the world.
I always loved Meatloaf, which is probably dating myself.
Nice post; I will never give up hope!
What was Meatloaf talking about??
I agree with you completely! The compromises I have made regarding love/relationships have led to some of the most miserable years of my life. I don't have time for it. Probably because I am a mom (single mom) and the majority of my time is focused on giving my kids that unconditional love they need.
And I must say it makes me sad that so many people seem to think that a long-term, satisfying marriage is living on (or is it in?) the middle ground. I am holding out for the example I saw in my grandparents. Dating since the age of 13. Married and still slow dancing almost every morning, taking walks together hand in hand and enjoying an apparently great sex life (grandma talked a bit more loosely the older she got) up until the day grandpa died. They were together for 50 years. Did they have plateaus? They must have, but they maintained that initial spark throughout their lives together. THAT is what takes work. I think it is easy to become complacent and let the joy of your love fade away into that boring middle ground.
Keep up the great posts! I love stopping by to read 'em. :)
YAY YOU! Seriously, that's not sarcasm. Totally agree! Except for the thing about mom... there are exceptions. Anywho, I've mastered one sided love (recently the kind you describe)... kinda looking forward to having that reciprocal thing going on... that does happen right? That is sarcasm. You should start a 'holding out' club! I'll join it!
Helloooo Kathryn!
This is a FAAABULOUS post and I thank you for putting it out there and expressing yourself so beautifully.
I don't believe there is such a thing as human unconditional love. Because as long as we are human, there will always be a condition. Even a parent, who wants the BEST for their child is imposing a condition because the BEST is how THEY see it. And that's a condition.
Now, I'm not saying that a parent does not love their children with a love like no other through thick and thin, but I don't think it's unconditional.
I've also learned something about finding that "special someone" to share love with. It's an ideal. It's romanticizing. Because it's placing a condition on love. It's telling love how-to-be.
And as we all know Love is Blind.
I have found that LOVE is all around me. Do I have a "special someone" in my life? No. But I know in my heart that I am loved.
I am loved.
Love ya, my friend.
And thank you for sharing this.
Have a great day!
X
I'm a firm believer of the idea that you don't choose who you love... love chooses for you.
I've always believed that you could only love 1 person at a time... until I fell in love with someone else. It was excrutiating but undeniable.
Hubby and I have been together for 18yrs, married 3. We have had our share of ups and downs, we even broke up for 3yrs. Early in our relationship I was thinking he didn't love me anymore cause the "fireworks" were fading. I made this a big issue, it consumed my thoughts consantly. He kept saying "He was very content with how our life was".
I then dated someone else in those 3yrs, he nearly killed me. Not just physically but also mentally.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn, contentment or "middle ground" is not a bad thing. Fireworks are always nice but not always necessary.
I'm glad you have been fortunate in having unconditional love from your mother. I never experienced that from my birth mother or from my step mother. You are one lucky girl!
there is one other unconditional love if you have a great fater like i do. he loves his daughter unconditionally and will fight for us. if he had to he would murder someone to keep us safe. hed do the same thing for his grand kids and so would mom and i would do the same thing for my nieces and nephew. ill never be a mom i dont think but i will always unconditionally love my nieces and nephew. i have found love with my fiance when i had given up on love here he came. i love him so much but it probably isnt unconditional. i love him but you never know what can happen in relationships like this. i will always love him i know this but i dont know if ill always love him as a lover.
I needed this today. Thanks! Don't we ALL deserve the pitter patter? But too often we settle for splat. It's a shame, really. Is it possible to make splat into pitter patter, though? There's a question--and one I have absolutely no answer to. Do you?
Collette: Thank you! You've described it perfectly...just the way I feel! "Why have sparklers when you get get the whole firework show?"
Here's hoping it's out there...for all of us!
BlackLOG: Uh-huh. You and I may need to start our own blog just to debate the "my theory holds more water than yours" debate.
#1: Yes, I realize there's a middle of the road. If you'll notice, (re-read, mister) you're simply part of that group that needs to be studied. Your group is, unfortunately, rare.
#2: Uh-huh....I know. I've heard this from others as well. But, as you know, we write what we know. My mom was one of the good (make that BEST) ones...so, of course, we lost her to breast cancer. *Be forwarned....10/18's post will probably NOT contain much in the way of humor. My take on that unconditional love is my version of both her love for me and mine for my own sons. I guess I'm hoping that more ppl out there have the good kind of relationship with their moms than the other, less desirable kind.
I'll close with this: Don't you DARE run for cover! Although, I've no doubt there will be times I'd like to clock you one, I adore hearing your take on things and wouldn't have it any other way. And remember: If you take off, I know where to find you. Now, hand me that spade.
F8hasit: Is this the infamous BoN gal?? I am honored and SO PROUD, missy! So, we'll hunker down, ride out the storm and hope for the best. Right??
Chrissie: I don't know about that! Wearing ones heart on ones sleeve is dangerous business, at best. Leaves us open to all kinds of hurt. I just can't seem to hold back....
Jen: You may be right. At least with dogs, they won't yell at you for not having called in a week to check in....!
book*addict: Aw...I'm glad your marriage is one of the good ones, sweetie. I tried to stress that I know that *some* of the marriages out there are truly wonderful...I just don't know that there are that many. And remember: I'm writing about what I know. I don't need fireworks for the rest of my life, but I'm not willing to settle. I'd like to think that just once more in my life, I'll get to feel....that feeling.
starfish264: Well, I'm with you. I can only hope our "high standards" will mean eventual "keepers" when we FINALLY find him! (Where IS HE, anyway???!)
Lovely post, Kathryn. I myself am still waiting for that someone special. Sure, I've met a few people in the past, but emotionally, the readiness just wasn't there, so now I'm waiting, and I can't say I'm happy about it some days. But settling isn't a good thing so I'll take my lonely days over another half cocked relationship that could go off any minute. Anyways, I'm rambling. Great post. (:
Wow and thanks! I really needed to read that. I'm right there with you.
I am sooo with you! No need to compromise because you only compromise yourself in the long run! Best wishes finding those fireworks! :)
Runnergirl: I'm sorry you disagree with the parents part, but glad you agree that hubby's love is unconditional. I realize everyone's relationship with their parents is different...I can only speak from my experience as a daughter and as a mom myself. I just know I'd do anything for da boys...absolutely anything. I'm still waiting on the other part...I hope to have what YOU have someday!
Tinkerschnitzel: Thank you! That's what my sister always says...it happens when you're not looking. And, honestly, I'm NOT! I've got too much else going on, but every now and then...I see a movie, or a couple out together and it pulls at the old heart strings. I'm willing to wait it out, though!
I met my wife and we were little more than children. We married and created a family and grew up together. Now our son is pretty much grown so we will soon enjoy our time as empty nesters. After that we look forward to spending our golden years together as well. Fireworks? Maybe not always, but in each other we have found a partner for all the stages of our lives. I have trouble understanding the term "grew apart". My relationship is stronger today than ever. Our secret...We laugh a little every day and try not to take ourselves too seriously. Sorry long comment!
Maureen@IslandRoar: HA! It took me a second to realize you weren't talking about the DINNER Meatloaf! You and me both, baybee! Never give up!
Amy: From what I can gather (I'll admit, I just googled it) he won't stop loving her, won't let her down won't run out on her. Yeah, he won't do that. It's a weird song, actually!
Tia: Looove this comment! And I'm totally on board with it. Love is hard! I don't mind working hard to maintain a healthy relationship, but it has to be healthy...and mutual....and have *some* spark to keep it alive. I envy your grandparents their 50 years of togetherness....what a great life they must've had together!
Lauren: Ha! We'd be a diehard bunch, I'm thinkin'. I've felt it all...loved & had it not reciprocated and the other way around. Loved and lost...loved and hated at the same time! Sometimes I don't care if I never see it again...other times I know better.
RON! Yes, parents tend to want what they feel is "Best" for their kids. BUT. If they truly love them, they will let them make their own decisions and give them the freedom to make their own choices (when they're old enough, that it...till then, it's MY way or the highway!). When I watch these shows where parents disown their kids for doing something they don't approve of, it makes me see red. But then again, I can't understand how a man can go on the 11:00 news and talk casually about his 11-yo daughter who died that morning in a car crash. Is there a disconnect? Are there some ppl who simply aren't wired to be parents? I don't know.
As far as love goes, you're right...it IS an ideal...it's an all-encompassing, all-consuming desire to find the one that can love me as deeply as I do them. Maybe it's not realistic....it probably isn't. But you're definitely right about one thing, my friend. You ARE loved.
Right here, bay-bee. Right here. (I'm pointing to my heart...can you see that?)
xoxo
JP: So. Does this mean that you came to believe that you could love two people at the same time? I totally think that's possible. As far as love choosing us...I guess I'd like to believe we still get a SAY in the answer!
Heather: Wow. I'd no idea how many ppl did not have the kind of relationship I'd had with my mom. I mean, I knew it was special...but yikes. But I always knew how blessed we were to have her. And she knew how much we loved her as well. As far as the relationship-part goes, I know that "middle ground" is a good thing! Too high or too low is not sustainable....don't you agree?
snoble24:Wow. That is deeep. Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought. I'm glad you understand how fiercely your parents love you and how much you in turn love others. It's a powerful emotion. Only the future will tell where you go from there...
Allegria: Yes! We all deserve that little stomach-flip. Absolutely! I don't know if you can make "splat!" into pitter-patter....I mean, maybe you can make "Eh." into pitter-patter....hmmmmm.
Insanity: No, you're not rambling, honey. You're making perfect sense to me. And I totally agree! Grap a cocktail and raise your glass...I'll drink to US!
fullohope: You're very welcome! I'm glad you commented! Here's hoping we all find what will truly make us happy.
that girl: Thank you! You and I will keep watching the sky...they've gotta be out there somewhere....I know we'll find 'em!
Mark Price: Oh...not long comment...inspirational comment! How wonderful for the two of you! So many couples say, "I don't know what we'll do when the kids leave the nest...we'll have nothing to talk about." I'm SO GLAD you're the exception, my friend. (The fact that I've just finished a piece for a mag on divorce may have played a role in this particular subject, btw) Thanks for the POSITIVE comment on love!
Kathryn I'm a bit worried about the 'studied' and 'rare', as those two terms, when used together always and I mean always involve a scalpel lots of dissection and inevitable extinction...
As for the water holding metaphor argument, I’ll start that with – “My arguments have more holes in them than yours!!” An interesting and bold opening I think you will agree. I work on an attrition basis, eventually the opposition can’t take any more of my unreasoned argument and I get to use their towel to mop up the sodden remains of my argument… This is a very un British attitude, winning at any cost, but very effective, plus I am a gracious winner I only gloat for a couple of months….
Sorry to hear about your mom,
P.S. my running for cover is never permanent, just a survival instinct. All it means is I use a megaphone for a short while, I always come back once the dust has settled and you can’t remember why you were mad at me in the first place…
BlackLog: Okay, mister. The megaphone isn't gonna cut it with me. I am a New Yawker. We don't back down to no stinkin' megaphone. We don't even NEED a megaphone...'cause we're so freakin' loud WITH NO ENHANCEMENT WHATSOEVER.
And no fancy dance moves will distract me from the issue of our disagreement...unless, of course there is alcohol involved, in which case, we shall need an objective party to videotape our slurred discussion to be transcribed by yet *another* objective person who understands that "phubbumo" actually translates to "furthermore". If things get too dicey, we'll simply call a "time-out", so to our separate corners and each take a shot. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.
Now. What were we talking about??
Good for you. Don't hold back for one second because in the end, it'll definitely be worth it.
YES I do agree.
I have been thinking on this post and it's comments all day.
Well done! Not that many blogs can do that.
Kathryn,
What a great post. And love waffling between starving for it and suffocating from it. The suffocation line spoke directly to me. Thank you for this.
May I add for my own personal reasons:
"Love Stinks" J.Geils Band
"Crash Into Me" Dave Matthews Band.
Thanks.
Angie
Too tired to understand anything right now, must go to bed, will read tomorrow. *flops*
But something tells me I will enjoy it even if I just skimmed it a bit right now.
Sorry I missed some of that, I'll just take out my ear plugs....
Ok it's come to this, the gloves are off. Sounds like what we need is a drinking contest.
So that's a round of Cloudy for you and a Chocolate Chip Milkshake with extra cream for me. Let's make this interesting, I'm going triple thick, wouldn't want to be accused of not being a gentleman....
Lets see who's still standing after 10 rounds young Lady
Oh No, I just read through your Blog again and missed a bit (I'm obviously going to have to employ a better class of surrogate reader). How could I miss the bus bit -
I've come to the sad conclusion that it would be impossible for my mother to throw herself in front of that bus....After all she would be driving the damn thing with no intention of stopping. I hope you will send flowers and visit me once in a while.....
What a gold mine this post has been. Once we have finished the drinking contest and you have had your stomach pumped and I've come back from fat camp we shall have to do it again. This is fun....I'm thinking of giving up the BlackLOG and moving in permanently......
Of course we have a say in the matter... you can deny it and not allow it to flourish and thus it dies... but with whom the seed is planted with... I'm not sure we have a say there.
Such a great post, I <3 your blog!!!
That second quote... do you think it works if you apply it to other people? As in...
"Hey buddy... you don't get unlimited chances to be with me... and I could change your life..."
Nah, prob'ly not eh? Meh... it was worth a try. lol
oddyoddyo13: Well, I couldn't agree more! I'd like to at least TRY...I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who's "good enough". I wouldn't want someone to feel what way about me, either.
Heather: Aw, that's the nicest compliment I could hope to hear! I'm so glad my post stayed with you...but in a good way!
Fumbling confidence: Thank you for the wonderful additions to my musical selections! (Believe me, there were many more I wanted to pick...I just picked the corny ones with easy pics to grab) I'm glad to have a kinship w/someone who understands.
mandarin Kitten: Awww. It'll seem even better when you're awake!
BlackLOG: Well. It's not a ROUND of Cloudy, my friend...it's only sold by the 24-bottle CASE....(yeah...that's it....24 bottles...) Do you realize I was at the bank today and the manager and I got to talking about our kids (yes, I'm getting to the point...wait for it...) and his eldest is a WINE distributor. Well. I just couldn't resist. "CLOUDY BAY SAUVIGNON BLANC. NOT THE 2008...THAT SUCKS. 2007 OR EARLIER. CALL ME."
Hey. Ya never know. If you're saying that an Extra creme milk shake is the equivalent, then you get absolutely NO bathroom breaks, my friend. IF that lactose intolerance kicks in, you're totally on your own.
"Surrogate reader"?? Ya feel that sharp pain right now around your gallbladder? That would be my voodoo doll. If you can't read your own blogs that YOU flw, then that's what you get, dammit.
If you mom agrees to drop me at the nearest liquor store for a quick one, I'll stop next door at the Chinese veggie stand and get you a bouquet of cauliflower (for energy) and parsley, since you'll have that breath you get from breathing in the fumes from the tailpipe of that bus that just ran over you...and the hospital nurses won't want to get within 5 feet of you. You're welcome.
Smoog: I think it DEFINITELY applies to ppl as well. Only ya gotta get the schmuck to realize it...before it's too late. Hence the conundrum.
I love how passionate you are and yet you kill me with your sense of humor.
JP: I don't know HOW much control we have when it comes to love. It's pretty random as far as I can tell.
How can you explain that "spark"??
Oddyoddyo13: Thank you! I strive very hard for BOTH!
lol i love Elvis, however Meat Loaf is a bit freaky and I really don't like "I would do anything for love". i like your blog its awesome =)
smorginator: I think Meatloaf is VERY freaky. I think my blog is excellent, though! I hope you'll visit again soon! Thanks for the comment.
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