Save Me

With the beginning of school bearing down on us, I’ve been trying to get the boys into the habit of waking at a decent hour. Being the cool, hip Mother-of-the-Year that I am, I’d promised da boys that if they did well on their grades, they could pick their own bedtime over the summer.

This was not one of my better parental decisions.

Now “decent hour” would be any time before…say, 11am. Starting on Wednesday they’ll need to be dressed, fed and out the door by 6:45.

You do the math.

Last week, they both made some half-hearted attempt at waking an hour earlier each morn.I do believe they got as early as 9am and the next morning they arose around noon. So much for a master plan.

Taylor (17) has a huge room on the lower level of the home. He has his own full bath, as well as a kitchenette.

The advantage to this set-up is that we don’t see very much of him. The disadvantage to this arrangement is that we don’t see very much of him….I’m ashamed to admit that we have, on occasion, called him on his cell to alert him that dinner is served.

Connor (12) on the other hand, has the dubious pleasure of having the bedroom next to mine. Yes, he’s very fortunate…and I do believe he probably thanks his lucky stars each and every night for having his mom so darn close.

This past weekend, da boys went to their dads. It was Friday night...and I was ALONE! WOOHOO. Just me and a 9-year-old pup who has to pee every hour and will follow me everywhere I go and then lay on the floor in the middle of the room and make no effort to move out of the way even if I’m walking towards him with a huge box of something in my arms….

Woohoo?

So. It’s 11pm and I’m ready to dive ‘tween da sheets. I send Metro out for one final trip, by tethering his collar to a leash ingeniously wedged onto the railing in the foyer:

I know, I’m a freakin’ genius. Meanwhile, I stand anxiously peering through the glass, making sure some wild mountain lion doesn’t swoop out of the bushes and try to abscond with my baby.

This mission accomplished, we head back to the master. Metro climbs into his bed, I into mine. I’m drifting off when I hear…music. Huh. Neighbors playing music? It doesn’t sound like it’s coming from outside. As I lean my ear against the screen of the window, I realize something: the music is coming from inside the house. The house where I am all alone, except for my ferocious guard dog who looks pretty much like this:

I’m a little freaked out, because I know that the only time Metro will get antsy is if a deer were to saunter down the hallway. Strange people he doesn’t seem to have a problem with. I’m visually scanning my room for something that I can use as a weapon…in case….what? In case there’s an intruder and he’s carrying a gun in one hand and a boom box in the other? The only thing I could find was a singular drumstick left by the previous owners and found by Connor under one of the baseboards.

Now sufficiently armed, (I figured I could distract the intruder and then sufficiently poke him into dropping his weapon, or maybe the boom box, as I was not digging this tune) I crept out of the master. The music was coming from Connor’s room. Upon entering, I discover his alarm clock, blaring some Japanese song…set to go off at 11:31pm. Go figure.

Relieved, drum stick and I head back to bed. Around 1am, I hear…something. It sounds a little like water running….mixed with some kind of animal…either way, it is NOT a sound that belongs inside my home. I grab my cell and I’m already dialing my friend Wayne, so that he can call 9-1-1 to report me as missing and/or murdered.

Wayne: (Groggily) “H’lo?”

Kathryn: “WAYNE. There’ssomethinginthehousedownstairsandI’mallbymyselfanditsoundsreallyweirdgetreadytocall9-1-1,” I rattle.

Wayne: “Kathryn? What time is it?”

K: “Did you hear me? It’s water and….or...something else! In Tay’s room! DOWNSTAIRS!”

W: (More awake now) “Okay, okay. It’s probably a cricket or something. Did he leave the window open down there?”

K: “Crap! Crap! Ew…ew….crap!”

By this time, I’m standing at the top of the stairs and this is when I remember that the overhead light is still out. Wayne was expected to reach it and change it for me on Saturday.

K: “Crap! The liiiiiight’s out.”

W: “Hold onto the banister. You know the way in the dark, don’t you?”

I do believe I heard a hint of sarcasm there, but I was too freaked out to respond. However, in order to hold my cell in one hand (it won’t stay in the crook of my neck…I’ve tried) and hold the banister, I had to temporarily put the drumstick in my mouth.

K: “I’fth gob a bwumskith im my mouph, show bon han udda fone!”

W: “What? Did you say something? I might’ve dozed off for a minute.”

K: “A bwumskith! A bwumskith! Ssssssssss!”

W: “What the hell? Have you been drinking?”

Why does everyone keep asking me this?

By this time, I’ve reached the bottom of the stairs, I've removed said drumstick and realize that what I’m hearing is….a babbling brook and….some frogs?

It was Taylor’s alarm clock….evidently set to “Nature Sounds”.

I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop, so I did as Wayne suggested…ending the call and going back to bed.

I doubt it even saw it coming.