Little Nuisances

Kathryn: (Heaves dramatic sigh) “I don’t mean to complain…”

Clinton Kelly (I.V. and all-around smartie-pants): “But sometimes, you still do. What’s on your mind, kiddo? Global warming? World hunger? Our troubling economy?”

K: “Um. Well…I was going for something a little bit…closer to home…but, those things are important, too.”

CK: (Leans back in chair, folds arms.) “Bring it.”

K: (Annoyed) “You do realize that no matter what I say now, it’s gonna sound petty. Do you have to do that?”

CK: (Chuckles) “Well, I don’t have to….but it’s so much fun. You fall right into it…every single time. Proceed.”

K: “Huh. I’ll ask the jury to disregard that statement. Which I find to be wholly unreasonable…how is someone supposed to forget they’ve heard something when they’ve already heard it? I’ve always found that to be totally irrational, don’t you think?”

CK: “Is that a rhetorical question, or are you expecting an answer? I do believe a jury would find you off-topic, by reason of insanity. Ha! I crack myself up.”

K: “So you do. Meanwhile, I’d like to change the subject…from you…to some things that have been bugging me. I’ve even photographed them for your amusement.”

CK: “Oh, this ought to be good. Go on.”

K: (Sarcastically) “Gee. Thanks, Clinton. I think I will!”

CK: (Confused) “What am I looking at?”

K: “The rain…can’t you see the rain? It’s freakin’ pouring. This is the epitome of the summer of 2009. We must’ve gotten 143 inches of rain. I’d better not hear a hint of the word “draught” for the next ten years.”

CK: “Is that 143 an actual statistical number, or a rough guess-timate? And to whom are you threatening? The general public? Or ‘Mr. G’, our local weatherman?”

K: “Never mind. Moving on.”

CK: “What is this? A bunch of flower buds? I’m not seeing a problem here.”

K: “The problem is that they’ll never bloom. EVER. They get to this point…and then they just wither and die. It’s like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife.”

CK: “What does that even mean??”

K: “I’m not sure….but it’s not good. It’s like…ya know, almost getting there…and then you get nothing. Use your own analogy.”

CK: “Ah. I know this one. It’s your pet peeve…the mystery balling of the kitchen towel…”

K: “That is correct, Sir Kelly. And it’s always damp….and no-one claims to have been in the vicinity. Spooky and annoying.”

CK: “Aw. It’s a bird’s nest…and….ew. What is that white substance?”

K: “That would be my dryer lint. We pulled this nest out of the dryer vent. This was annoying and upsetting all at the same time. I hated uprooting someone’s home…but I have my towels to consider here. I couldn’t understand why it was taking three hours to dry a load.”

CK: “So? What happened to it?”

K: “We put it on one of the beams under the deck. It was the closest thing to the vent without putting it in harm’s way of critters and such. I went to check it a few weeks ago and realized that I couldn’t stick my head between it and the wood, so I had to get creative…”

CK: “You’re a freakin’ genius. So, Mommy-bird never found her relocated home, but you’ve got nice dry towels.”

K: “HEY. Don’t pin this on ME. Circle of life and all that. Moving on.”

CK: “Well, this is self-explanatory.”

K: “Uh huh.”

CK: “I see…pencils with broken points and a plethora of missing erasers. Someone’s doing a lot of corrections. Is this you?”

K: “NO. I’ve no clue who’s doing it…I found ‘em that way. The next is an audio-annoyance. You'll understand as soon as you hear it."



CK: "Wow. That is one annoying...what is that, anyway?"

K: "I've no idea. I finally slammed the window shut and it stopped."

CK: “What the…? This is bizarre…even for you.”

K: “Excuse me? This is my number one pet peeve. For the last three days, I’ve gotten into the shower, only to discover that the soap is cemented to the shelf. See all those little chips? That’s me….soaking wet…frantically trying to chip away at the stupid bar to get it unglued...to no avail.”

CK: (Sniffs dramatically…moves chair back a foot.) “Was it wise to bring the sharp knife into such a…slippery environment?”

K: (Indignantly) “First of all, I’m not stinky. The shower soap is right there…next to the offending cement-deodorant-bar. Secondly, I didn’t bring the knife in whilst I was showering. That would be insane. Why would I do that?”

CK: “Jury? Do we have a verdict??”