Can You Hear This?

Last month’s cell phone bill was HUGE. The month before, when the boys were out of school, was relatively normal. Then, school resumed.

Did I mention that last month’s bill was HUGE? It doubled, actually. I first became aware of this when Verizon sent me my handy-dandy reminder notice:

“Hey. Your bill is now available for viewing….and (of course) paying. And it’s a doozie! You really ought to check it out. For a serious chuckle, go to www.verizon.net. See you there!
~ Your buds at Verizon.”

By the time I’d figured out how to sign in, I couldn't understand any of the usage details...but the total was painfully clear. I’d immediately put a call in to customer service, spoke to a nice girl named “Shandra” who happily informed me that Taylor (17) had gone WAY over on his texts and that this, combined with both of us going over on our shared minutes meant one heck of a payday for Verizon!

Noooo, there was nothing she could do about the existing charges…but she could offer me an upgraded plan for the future, including double the shared voice minutes and triple the text messages for Taylor…all for only twenty dollars more per month! We were already halfway through the next billing cycle and after gleefully informing me that Taylor had already burned through most of our minutes/texts, she said she could put through the changes immediately, if I’d like.

Okay...whatever.

(Crap.)

Today, I received my monthly email from Verizon:

“Hey. Us again. Want to see something really funny? Be prepared for some side-splitting humor…and don’t be surprised if you hear your father’s famous “What? You think I’m made of money??” remark bouncing off what’s left of your brain. So, pour yourself a drink and meet us at www.verizon.com. Be there, or be square....either way, be prepared to meet dispair! HA! We crack ourselves up!”

THIS bill was UP $100 from the LAST bill. After my head exploded, I called Verizon’s customer service:

“Verizon Wireless. This is David. S’up?” (He may have actually said “How may I help?” but my head was still exploding, so I may have missed it.)

Kathryn: “I……my bill……you’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me…..wha….???”

David: “Please hold while I pull up your account. You may want to use this time to get a towel to start cleaning up that brain matter that’s all over the floor.”(Muzac plays….Roberta Flack’s “Killing Me Softly”, but the instrumental version…much classier, in my opinion.)

David: “Thanks for holding. No sh!t! (Uh. Pardon my French) That’s some bill ya got there! Who’s doing all that texting? That you??”

K: (Indignantly) “No! That would be my son.”

D: “My bad. Well, I see you upgraded to 1400 text messages to out of network calling people with a minimum of seven calling ratios divided by the timetable of the equator times pi, minus your three-hour substation invariability factor.”

K: “Uh.”

D: “Problem is, your son went over his quota.”

K: “By how much?”

D: “Please hold.”(Muzac resumes…this time, it’s Debbie Gibson’s “You Light Up My Life”…skillfully remastered on the accordion, I believe.)

D: “He used 2,682 texts...that's like way over, dude.”

K: “…………………………”

D: “You might want to think about switching to an unlimited plan. For ten dollars more a month, he can call ANYONE, ANYTIME. Except he can’t call anyone…ya know, internationally, or anything. Oh, and that means he can’t call Canada, just so you know…I learned that one the hard way....”

K: (emits feeble strangled sound)

D: “My supervisor’s standing right behind me. Ya want me to ask her if I can reverse some of these overages? She’s eating a burrito and she looks pretty happy...”

K: (emits cry in a somewhat positive tone)

D: “Please hold.” Silence. (I guess if you’re on with them for this long, they figure they don’t have to offer any further auditory entertainment…you’re basically on your own. I found myself humming the Star Spangled Banner....then seamlessly switching to "Ladies Who Lunch" from the Broadway musical Company.)

D: “Okay. She says we’ll eat 70% of the overages...on account of your brain exploding and all...SCORE!”

K: (finds voice) “That’s freakin’ great! Tell her ‘thanks’!”

D: “No big whoop. We’re all rolling in it anyway. Tell your son no international girlfriends and no voting on American Idol….they get, like, 99 cents a minute for those calls, ya know.”

K: “Huh. I was not aware.”

D: “Can I help with anything else?”

K: “Um….do you have any pull with the electric company?”

D: “Dude.”

K: “My bad.”