Justifiable Misconduct

Another wicked-weather day here in the northeast. As if in testament to my death-defying ride home last night, may I present the bush outside my front door:

Delightful. Like a big, ‘ole, yummy pine-flavored snow cone…but minus the triangular-shaped cardboard holder, the carnival rides or the sweltering heat that made you want it in the first place.

God, I miss summer....

Which brings me (seamlessly, I might add) to an article I’d saved from August 4, 2008.

It’s entitled "What Not To Wear For A Bank Robbery"

Clinton Kelly (Personal IV...and da man with extraordinary timing): “Excuse me?”

Kathryn: (Smiles) “…and how did I know this topic would flush you out, Sir Kelly?”

CK: (Winces) “Please do not use my name and ‘flush’ in the same sentence…we’ve talked about this.”

K: (Chagrined) “Sorry. I’m actually glad you’re here, as I’ve no doubt you’ll have some invaluable input on this topic.”

CK: “Lay it on me.”

K: “Well. It seems that a guy was seen lurking outside The Wells Fargo Bank at 1150 Emmet Street in Omaha at approximately 3:40pm.”

C: “I’m riveted. Continue.”

K: (Eyes suspiciously) “I’m setting the scene, Kelly. You’re a writer. You know the drill. If you rush me, it’ll just wind up coming out sounding inconsequential and preposterous.”

C: (Folds arms…gives deadpan twinkly-blue-eyed stare)

K: “FINE. Police Officer Bill Dropinski (real name, I swear) said someone spotted a man wearing a bright orange, hooded sweatshirt lurking outside the bank. Remember….this is in August.”

C: “Ah. Sweatshirt in August….got it. Bright orange, you say? Are we talking…like, construction-worker-Y-M-C-A orange?”

K: (Sighs in satisfaction) “Have I told you lately how incredibly astute you are?”

C: “You may have mentioned it a few hundred times. Proceed.”

K: “’Kay. Anyway, this witness-person evidently thought the man’s choice of attire was somewhat odd, given the heat and all…and suspected the man was about to rob the bank, so he called 9-1-1. The witness called…not the orange-hoodie-guy. Just to clarify.”

C: (Rolls eyes) “So…based on this man’s odd attire, he was reported to the authorities as a would-be bank robber? Was this witness a well-dressed individual?”

K: “I have no idea and it has no bearing on this story. Now, I’ve lost my mojo. Where was I?”

C: (Thinks) “Well-dressed witness calls 9-1-1. What?! I’m helping...”

K: “Whatever. The story goes on to say that whilst law enforcement was en route, the ‘Hoodie-Man’ (whose name was not immediately known) entered the bank, PULLED OUT A GUN and demanded some green.”

C: “Huh. So the well-dressed witness had a sixth-sense surrounding said sabotage.”

K: “Oh, you are good. Do you want to hear how it ends?”

C: (Smiles) “Sure.”

K: “Bank officials handed over a bag of cash and ‘Hoodie-Guy’ pounded the pavement towards a nearby apartment complex, witnesses said.”

C: “Same witnesses, or different witnesses?”

K: “What? ALL the witnesses. Anyway, thanks to the whole bloody lot of them, law enforcement quickly found him in an apartment. He was arrested on suspicion of robbery and using a firearm to commit a felony. No mention was made in the warrant with regards to his obvious wardrobe violation, however.”

C: “So you could say it was truly a crime of fashion.”

K: (Sighs) “YES, Clinton. There was also no word on how sweaty he was when officers booked him. Let's go. I'm thirsty...”