You're Kidding Me

As I’ve mentioned, I love my tunes. I have missed many a phone call and endured many a heart attack when one of da boys has tapped me on the shoulder whilst in the midst of one of my award-winning moon-dances across the kitchen floor. (I’m da gal with da moves…)

There are certain songs I can listen to over and over. These would include:

• “Roll to Me” (of course) by Del Amitri
• “FM” by Steely Dan
• “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty
• “Shattered” by O.A.R.
• “This Girl’s In Love With You” by Dionne Warwick (sexy song)
• “Feels Like Tonight” by Chris Daughtry

Just to mention a few. There are other songs, however….where I’ve no clue what I was thinking when I downloaded them.

These songs give new meaning to the word “corny”…and border sometimes on making me gag.

And to think that someone actually thought these songs were meaningful.

I present my top three stupidest songs with the most ridiculous lyrics ever written: (I’d worry about a lawsuit, but since I’ve no substantial savings to speak of, I’m undoubtedly safe.) As always, I’ve included my own footnotes (or post notes, or in-between-it-all notes) so we’ll all be on the same page because heaven forbid I stand alone:

#3: “She’s a Lady” by Tom Jones

I’ve recently come to the summation that this song may have been written as a tribute to Mr. Jones’ dog… some purebred fancy-pants award-winning dog with a name like “Lady Phoebe Fontlaroy Smidgen Drinksalot of Arlington”. I further believe that Mr. Jones and said dog were probably inseparable…and his utter respect and admiration for her probably had something to do with the end of his 20-year marriage to a member of the human variety. However, this is strictly speculation.

“Well, she's all you'd ever want,
She's the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. (Okay, so maybe she’s one of those teeny little dogs…you know, the kind that fit in your bag and go anywhere, like Paris Hilton’s)
Well she always knows her place.
She's got style, she's got grace, She's a winner. (AKA Dog show champion…I’m telling you.)
She's a Lady. Whoa whoa whoa, She's a Lady.
Talkin' about that little lady, and the lady is mine.
Well she's never in the way (doesn’t get underfoot when you’re cooking…always a plus…listen up, Metro.)
Always something nice to say, oh what a blessing.
I can leave her on her own
Knowing she's okay alone, and there's no messing.(i.e.: no unexpected “presents” in the hallway, maybe?)
She's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's a lady.
Talkin' about that little lady, and the lady is mine.
Well she never asks very much and I don't refuse her. (just the occasional doggie-treat)
Always treat her with respect, I never would abuse her. (Humane Society would be on your butt in a heartbeat, buddy.)
What she's got is hard to find, and I don't want to lose her (then keep her leash on... duh.)
Help me build a mountain from my little pile of clay. Hey, hey, hey.(??)
Well she knows what I'm about,
She can take what I dish out, and that's not easy, (Dog food can taste really gross sometimes)
Well she knows me through and through,
She knows just what to do, and how to please me. (Mind out of the gutter, people. You are so immature.)
She's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's a lady.
Talkin' about that little lady and the lady is mine.

I honestly think the writer of this next song had complete writer’s block by the time he got to the name. He was DONE and said “Whatever….I don’t care what you call it.” Then, he saved it in “Word” and (as we all know), word saves the first word of the piece. Hence, the mystery of the one-worded title solved.

#2: “If” by Bread

“If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you? (Uh. Maybe ‘cause you’re not an artist?)
The words will never show the you I've come to know. (I thought we were talking about painting something.)
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go? (What? Why do you have to go anywhere? Just sit down.)
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too. (Again, sit. Eat an apple…you’re delirious.)
And when… my love… for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me. (I don’t wanna know. Seriously. Ew. Stop that.)

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you. (Well, where else do you need to be besides here?! I think you need to go lie down.)
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way. (Awwww! Gag.)
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die, (gotta love that optimism)
I'd spend the end with you. (But….I have dinner reservations…)
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away.” (A-la “Logan’s Run”? Did anyone see that movie besides me? ‘Nuff said…..what more can you say after lyrics like these?)

And finally. Dan Hill was evidently a lonely, screwed-up guy. Or, he’s taking the fall for the lonely, screwed-up anonymous writer of this song. Either way, I hope they got the help they so desperately needed.

#1: “Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill

“You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply (Not a hopeful sign for a healthy relationship…right?)
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie (But, I’d still rather hurt you…that is my point…)
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you (I take it you’re not particularly impressed with what you’ve seen so far, eh?)
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much (I hate that. Too much honesty.)
And I have to close my eyes and hide (Hide? Like, behind your eyelids, hide??)
I wanna hold you till I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides (Does this frighten anyone else as much as it does me??)

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride (What this has to do with ego, I’ll never understand)

But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer (Great….so now he’s giving writers a bad rap…)
Still trapped within my truth (There’s that damn honesty again)
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth (What?! I think he just ran out of things to rhyme with “truth”)

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides (See above…it’s still freakin’ me out.)

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly (Okay. Today, we call this schizophrenia. They’ve got medications and straightjackets for this.)

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried (Tried to what? Tried to enter the witness protection program in an effort to ditch you?)
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by (How about you stop watching me, period?!)

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again (Ew. Ew. Ew….)

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I WANNA HOLD YOU….TILL THE FEAR IN ME…..SUBSIIIIDDDEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!”

So, there you have it. The bad, the really bad and the restraining-order bad.

Which one of these will you be singing tonight??