Losing It

I’ll bet you’re thinking this post is about losing my mind. I suppose you’d be correct. I’m also losing my keys…and most recently, my cell.

Losing my cell phone was all Clinton’s fault. Yes, that’s what I said. Clinton Kelly, IV-extraordinaire…who is undoubtedly frowning at this…and responding with “Excuse me?”

Me: “You are excused…but not completely off the hook. See, sometimes there’s a downside to your influence and you need to accept responsibility for that.”

Clinton: “Okaaay. In the spirit of good will, the holidays and probably my sanity, I’ll apologize now: I am deeply, profoundly, acutely sorry for whatever influence I may have had in causing you to lose your cell.”

K: “Oh, don’t even try. You’re patronizing me. Do you think this is funny? I was stranded…completely and utterly lost…it was twenty-six degrees outside, I had a critical case of pharyngitis..and I couldn’t find my cell.”

C: (Chuckles)“Isn’t ‘pharyngitis’ a fear of pharmacies?”

K: “Ha. I could have died.”

C: (Deadpan baby-blue stare) “From a sore throat? I don’t think so. Why didn’t you just pop a mint, turn up the car heater and ask Sophie for directions?”

K: “Crap. I keep forgetting how smart you are. Still, you’re missing the crux of the conundrum, which is that my cell was MIA.”

C: (Folds arms and settles back in chair) “And yet somehow, this remarkable tale leads back to me? Somehow?? Do tell.”

K: “Again with the attitude...you’re lucky I’m still talking to you.”

C: (Crosses legs) “Waiting….tick, tock…”

K: “FINE. I was nestled into the heated passenger seat of Margaret’s snazzy new coupe after our Sephora Run and we were exchanging updated cell numbers…since she’s so busy with the book…and signings…and a promotion…and I’ve been texting her at the wrong number...like, forever. No wonder she never answered me.”

C: “So…just to clarify… ‘Sephora Run’ indicates you were half in the bag during this exchange?”

K: “Of course not! I would never consume and transport…we save that part for the shopping…I was perfectly fine by this time. Are you going to let me finish?”

C: (Smiles) “Sure. Forgive the interruption.”

K: (Sighs) “ANYWAY. We finished programming our various stats into our phones…kiss, kiss…big hug…we’ll try and do better to stay in touch…been a blast…yada, yada. I then gather my one small Sephora bag, my two coats, my bag, my seltzer and my macadamia nuts. That’s when we heard the ‘thunk’.”

C: “Wait. I know I’ll regret asking this…but two coats? Macadamia nuts? Thunk??”

K: (Sighs again) “One coat for shopping…and one coat for…like, the real world…outside. The nuts are simply to aid in the absorption of any residual alcoholic effects. Just covering all the bases. Smart, eh?”

C: “Freakin’ genius.”

K: “We didn’t know what the ‘thunk’ was. We’re girls…the car was still running, the tires weren’t flat…so, we blew it off. When we parted ways, I reached for my cell and it was GONE.” (Waves hands dramatically, like a magician having some sort of seizure.)

C: “Huh. The ‘thunk’ explained. And I’m apologizing…why?”

K: “Because I was wearing trouser-style, figure-flattering, boot-cut pants…with these stupid, useless, incredibly shallow, poorly-designed side-slit front pockets that are good for holding absolutely nothing…and certainly not one’s cell. Since all my phone numbers and addresses are in my cell, I had to call home from a gas station…(and call 3 times before Connor thought to pick up for a call from ExxonMobil)…then he had to dig through my files for my original interview with Margarete to find her home number and then…through the magic of caller ID, she found me and brought me my phone, which she couldn’t even see ‘cause it was dark.”

(Pauses for a much-needed breath.)

K: “So obviously, had I dressed in a way that did not reflect your fashion influence, none of this ever would have happened. You may now apologize with the utmost sincerity.”

C: “Everyone has to pay a price for looking good, kiddo. Next time, try putting your cell in your bag. You’re a woman…not a teenage boy.”

K: “Huh. That is the lamest apology ever. I’ll allow it.”