Elf on the Shelf

I’ve been fortunate enough in recent years to avoid catalogs arriving via my mailbox. This may have begun due to my original mailbox’s lack of meeting the strict United States Postal Service standards, which requires that “posts supporting said mailbox must be able to support the contents of at least three bills, two pieces of junk mail and either one Pennysaver, or one supermarket flyer”…postman’s choice, evidently.

Whatever the reason, I’m not getting too many stupid catalogs…and this is a very good thing. I’ll admit, though…I did a double-take when this one arrived the other day, as I found the cover to be bordering on disturbing:

I don’t know who the Wireless executive was who gave final approval for this cover to run, but I’d like to let him know that I’m available for the next one. I’ll even give him a break on the price…and I can pretty much guarantee I’ll do a better graphics job. (Between you and I, I believe this graphics designer was using an old copy of “PhotoSlop”…the knockoff copy costing hundreds of dollars less…but unfortunately also designed and executed by a group of fouth-graders who created it for extra credit during their lunch period.)

The “Elf on the Shelf” scares me. I don’t care how cute and 1950’s you try and make him look. He’s an unwelcome intruder in their home and he should be cuffed, booked and sent downtown. Oh, and make sure to seize that list in his hands as well…you know he was getting ready to put those kids on the “naughty” side of the list and I believe only Santa has the authorization to make this notation, so he’s in violation of Elf Code# 436A, subsection B4.

Book ‘em, Danno.



(Above are subject’s mug shots. Offender refused to face the camera directly, claiming that “Santa’s gonna have my butt for this.” No official comment from the North Pole as of this writing.)

So, if I’m understanding this cover story correctly, the three little children have broken into the snowman cookie jar…(which evidently is “Full” per the sign artfully placed in the snowman’s hands…good to know…) and without parental permission, they are in the act of absconding with approximately ten cookies. I’m guessing the cookies are supposed to be those sugar cookies, shaped and decorated to resemble something…possibly a Christmas tree? I think the guy who was cropping the ones strewn on the counter was running late for lunch and just figured “Aw, the hell with it. There’s so much going on in this cover, no-one’s gonna notice a few stupid cookies.” It’s interesting how he chose to smush one broken-up cookie on the floor, however, underneath the chair. I’m guessing someone in management directed him to “Make sure people come away with the notion that these children are naughty. This is key.”

Also of note is the fact that the little girl on the left (the one not on the chair) seems to be a photograph of an actual girl.

She is looking extremely uncomfortable as she watches her (supposed) sibling break every cardinal rule that has been drilled into her little head since she was born: You don’t ever, EVER push a chair over to the counter, then climb up on said chair, remove the snowman’s hat and remove ten cookies… leaving a good half of them on the counter for Mommy to clean up. I believe she’s also thinking “If I back slowly away, cartoon-sister and half-cartoon brother probably won’t even miss me. I could be halfway to Jody and Courtney’s house before anyone knows I’m gone. Oh and one more thing: Why is my neck so unusually small? How is it even supporting my head?!...”

The child on the chair is obviously a drawn illustration…

…and so she can’t really be held accountable for her actions…since she’s not real, and all.

The little boy’s face is up for grabs….that shirt however…don’t get me started.

In typical boy-fashion, he’s not wearing any socks…has a shirt that screams “monster” and he’s got absolutely no problem accepting his sketched-sister’s offer of a forbidden cookie.

Alas….I did not save the entire catalog, so I cannot check out the elf’s “report back to Santa”, evidently featured on page 62.

But, I believe it went something like this:

“Santa,

I’ve gotten busted again for breaking and entering.

They’ve seized the list.

Send bail.”