1973 Is Calling

Naples was fabulous. We wound up staying an extra day…that’s how fabulous it was. The hotel was so fabulous that Tonia decided one night was simply not enough. So, we made it two.

About one block from our boutique hotel was the main drag: Fifth Avenue.

Uh huh.

Tons of restaurants…everyone dining al fresco, ‘cause it’s Florida and it’s warm, baybee!

The first night, we ate at some place with the name Bistro in it (don’t make me get up to find the business card) and the food was…(say it with me now): fabulous. I had lobster on a bed of something with something on the side. It was yummy, even if I don’t know exactly what it was.

The second night, we ate at the sushi place. I have no idea what I ate as everything was…well, raw. Afterward, we strolled down Fifth towards some of the louder clubs to see what was what.

The first club we entered gave me new reason to become a vegetarian. Can you say “meat market”? I mumbled “uh-oh” as at least 30 heads turned as the double doors closed behind us. Tonia’s propelling me forward and I’m seriously doing everything in my power to put on the brake. In the 20 feet it took to reach the bar area, I’d glimpsed the 10’ by 10’ dance floor and taken in the singer holding the mike, complete with no less than 30 lbs of gold chains.

I was outta there. As I turn to duck out the side door, I realize Tonia’s just ordered herself a big ole’ drink and I’m thinking “oh, crap.”

At that moment, my cell rings and I cry out in relief as I duck and tumble out into the courtyard.

“HELLO? HELLO?” I yell, thinking that even if this is a wrong number, I’ll keep the conversation going long enough to keep me the hell out of there.

It was Jack-the-Tack, our mutual friend-extraordinnaire, who was pulling triple-duty as chef, security guard and realtor-by-day back at my place with da boys in New York.

Jack: “Kathryn? Where do you keep the Tupperware? Oh and for the record, Connor doesn’t like tacos either…I’m 0 for 3 here.”

Me: “JACK! THERE’S THIS BAR….IT’S SO….EW…..GOLD CHAINS…HE’S SINGING ‘YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCING’!”

Jack: “Kathryn, just walk out.” (Hears the music change to “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree) “Okay, maybe a fast walk….or better yet, just RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND. Get the hell out of there. Where’s Tonia?”

K: “She’s still in there, drinking her $12.00 vodka straight up.”

J: “You didn’t leave your gin and tonic in there, did you?”

K: “NO…I may be stupid, but I’m not insane.”

I sat on a bench and waited for Tonia to shove her way out and into the street. She looked annoyed but none the worse for wear. She then announced that she wanted jelly beans.

Most people would find this an odd thing to say at 10pm on a Saturday night in Naples, Florida…but then, I’m not most people. I’m a NEW YAWKER, baybee…and nothing surprises me. Except for the chicken feet…but that’s a story for another day.

Off we trekked…down one end of Fifth and up the other…searching for an all-night candy store…and we actually found one. However, it was moot as they wanted $7.50 for a 3 ounce bag of assorted jelly beans and Tonia informed me that she only eats the red ones.

Why does this not surprise me?