A Shimmy to the Right

I am extremely proud of the fact that I have not put one single item into the attic of my new abode.

The fact that I’d need a ladder, a flashlight, the upper body strength of Hulk Hogan and approximately two martinis to complete the task of storing anything up there is incidental….I’m still proud.

Unfortunately, this has meant that all yet-undecided-upon items have found their way to the only other available storage option: the garage.

It’s a two-car garage…but for reasons that may never be known, the previous owners chose to only install an automatic garage opener on one side. Evidently, they didn’t know what to do with the extra stickers left over after their one-sided technical installation, so they threw them on the non-motorized door as well. Now, both doors prominently display:

“WARNING!!!!! WHETHER DUE TO SHEER STUPIDITY OR SLEEP DEPREVATION, LEAVING YOUR CHILD, PET, FAX MACHINE, ELECTRIC BLANKET OR TUNA ON RYE WITH A LITTLE MAYO IN THE PATH OF THIS EXTREMELY POWERFUL DOOR AS IT CLOSES WILL CAUSE SAID ITEMS TO RETAIN THE SHAPE OF SAID DOOR…POSSIBLY FOREVER AND EVER…AND DON’T EVEN THINK FOR ONE MINUTE THAT YOU CAN LAY DOWN IN ITS PATH AND HAVE IT TRIM SEVERAL INCHES OFF YOUR WAIST IN SOME VAIN EFFORT TO LOOK THINNER WITHOUT ANY REAL EFFORT, AS WE’VE ALREADY TRIED IT AND ALL IT DID WAS RUPTURE OUR SPLEEN AND CAUSE INVOLUNTARY SEIZURES WHENEVER WE SEE ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING AN HOURGLASS.”

(I know. It’s a very large sticker.)

Anyway.

When you approach the house via the outside of the garage, everything looks so neat and orderly…’specially since the deer devoured what remained of my blooms off the flowers in the big ‘ole barrel that’s sitting in between the two doors.

When the doors open, however….well…that’s a horse of a different color. (That means everything’s different, for those of you not fortunate enough to spend your holidays in the company of many senior citizens with many nonsensical expressions, which they fling about randomly with knowing eyes and smug smiles.)

It’s complete and utter chaos.

It literally contains each and every item I’ve yet to assign a permanent home…and the only reason my car fits at all is because I’d actually had to scrape some frost off the windshield one morning and I was DONE.

So now, everything’s in there as tight as can be….and heaven forbid you want to go outside…by way of the garage…and my car’s inside….

We’ve all learned the shimmy-shimmy-forty-three-degree-lean required to navigate the chaos…whilst still remaining both upright and unscathed.

Trying to teach someone the “SSFTDL” is quite a sight to behold. Your guest will look at you with perplexed, frightened eyes…all but whispering “No! It can’t be done! The outside world is surely unattainable from here….” (or something along these lines)

And yet.

With determination, luck and an innate sense of balance (alas, somewhat of a requirement)…we’ve all managed to not only traverse the tricky territory that is the tangled temporary tenement for a multitude of items, but we’ve done so with nary a scratch to the car…which has to be some kind of monumental maneuverable miracle.

There. Say THAT three times fast.