DUCK!

Just because I live in the country does not make me a “country” gal. Just because I’m surrounded by nature does not mean I’m in any way associated with, addicted to, or in any way intimate with….nature. Do not make the mistake of thinking that one has anything to do with the other. To do so would be a grave mistake of monumental proportions.

Trust me.

As testament to this, I have assured that within two miles of my dwelling are the following:

• A pizza place
• An Italian deli
• A hair salon
• A pharmacy
• A liquor store

We’ll call the guy that owns the liquor store “Dean”. Hence, his store is called “Dean’s Wine Cellar”. Not very original, but it will suffice...if for no other reason than he sells liquor and is therefore automatically golden.

Life is good.

I made Dean’s acquaintance a few days prior to my actual move. I inquired as to his inventory of Cloudy Bay. He said “Cloudy what?” I may have actually swooned at this response. He immediately pulled out some secret-liquor-store-owner’s manual for all conceivably-requested wines and found the section for New Zealand, per my detailed instructions. I then proceeded to explain that in order for us to co-exist in this close proximity, he must keep a consistent, open lifeline, if you will...(think bat phone ) and assure me that he will stock Cloudy Bay at all times…not only for me, but for my many, many anticipated visitors…that will inevitably be requesting “Cloudy what?”, for heaven forbid they arrive on my doorstep empty-handed.

Dean and I are best buds by now…I can literally drive by his store, swing open my car door and he’ll toss the Cloudy into my back seat, whilst fastening its seat belt…assuring a safe, secure ride home.

Okay, so I may be exaggerating here…just a bit.

BUT.

I’m not exaggerating about the stack of cards Dean had sitting by his register the last time I stopped by. It was an informational card, printed by the local sheriff’s office and, at first glance, it was a handy-dandy reminder of emergency phone numbers, broken down by local town. I figured it was perfect magnet-on-the-fridge fare. When I flipped the card over, however…I discovered the “2008-09 Hunting Calendar”, compliments of Sheriff Terry “Butch” Buchanan.

I am not making this up.

It then goes on to read:

“Sunrise to Sunset Hunting Hours:

Black Bear (Catskills) Nov 15 – Dec 7
MuzzelLoading – Dec 8 – 16 (Isn't it illegal to load muzzel in some states?)
Bow – Oct 18 – Nov 14 and Dec 8 – Dec 16 (Evidently, if you’ve taken the time to acquire the skill to hunt something with a bow –no mention of an arrow, by the way- they give you more than one opportunity to attempt to kill something.)

Big Game Regular Season Southern Zone
White Tail – Shotgun – Nov. 15 – Dec 7 (BAMBI!!!)

Big Game Bow Season Southern Zone
Muzzel Loading as well – Dec 8 – Dec 16 (Okay, so is “muzzel” a politically correct way to say “gun”? I'm obviously missing something here..."MuzzelLoading as well?"...fancy schmancy...)

Turkey Southern Zone
Oct 1 – Nov 14 Spring May 1 – May 31 (Please note that you may not hunt a turkey during the actual turkey-eating season. Boy, they must breathe a sigh of relief when Thanksgiving/Christmas get here.)

Small Game Southern Zone
Grouse/Rabbit Oct 1 – Feb 28 (I had to ask the boys what a “grouse” was. Duh.)
Pheasant: Oct 1 – Dec 31 (not to be confused with grouse. Do you think the pheasants snicker and point out to the grouse that grouse are fair hunting game for a full 2 months longer than the pheasant?)
Woodcock: Oct 6 – Nov 4. I needed to google this one:

…seems to me that she’s blending in pretty well with her surroundings. I'm thinking they're going for the sympathy vote with the egg-casings nearby....way to tug at the heartstrings, guys. I guess that’s why they give you like, a week to find her...and check out that beak…she’s not going down without a fight….

Duck: Oct 11-19, Nov 8- Dec 28 (Duck? As in Donald....?)
Goose: Sept 1-25, Oct 25-Nov 11, Dec 1-31. (Notice the many opportunities to hunt geese…I’m convinced it’s ‘cause some Canadian Goose pooped on Butch’s kid's playground and now Butch has goosepoop all over the carpet of his media room-slash game room-slash laundry-area and this is payback, baybee!)”

And so, there you have it. Life in the country….in the almost-winter….as it were.

Now, where’s my Cloudy??