Three...Two...One...Blast Off!

It's summer...and I love the look of a suntan. There...I've said it. I know it’s probably not politically correct or terribly mature of me to say it, but I honestly think I look better when I have one. Now, I’m not talking about the dry, peel-y kind…but the supple, golden, don’t-I-look-fabulous kind. My skin tone is naturally “fair”…(my friend’s diplomatic way of saying that I’m naturally sickly-pale…a fact that I find both annoying and painfully accurate), so a little bit of color makes me look…healthier.

I know that suntanning is bad for you. This from CNN’s website: “A suntan is the result of injury to the epidermis, the top layer of your skin. A tan develops when UV light accelerates the production of melanin. Melanin is the dark pigment in the epidermis that gives your skin its normal color. The extra melanin — produced to protect the deeper layers of your skin — creates the darker color of a "tan." A suntan is your body's way of blocking out the ultraviolet rays to prevent further injury to the skin, but the protection only goes so far.”

Uh-huh. I get it…..really, I do. ANYTHING in excess = BAD

(I'm not even gonna mention the equator that this poor woman's breasts have migrated to...there's something else to look forward to in my old age....)

STILL.

There’s a general consensus (it’s not just me, here) that equates being healthy with the golden glow of a tan. Some people even think they look thinner when they’re tan. And then there’s the issue of all those before and after ads for weight loss…surely, someone else (besides me) has noticed that the “after” photo almost always shows the smiling recent weight-loss-ee with a noticeable increase in skin pigment:

See what I mean? Before=sad/frowning, sickly-pale….After=happy/smiling, tanned! I mean, gee….all those marketing execs can’t possibly be wrong!

I do not have (nor have I ever had) the patience to simply lie on a towel and bake. Kudos to those of you that can…I’m good for 5…10 minutes, tops and then I’m bored….and hot…and ultimately whiny. So, the concept of tanning beds are custom-made for someone like me…it’s 20 minutes, tans both sides simultaneously…in, out…DONE. That’s MY kinda place. No muss, no fuss, a minimal amount of patience required....and I'm literally golden. It's a match made in heaven.

So, imagine my absolute joy when I came across an un-used and utterly forgotten birthday gift certificate to a local tanning salon from my friend Sue. (Happy doesn’t even begin to cover it.)

I immediately headed out, alternately peeling rubber down the quiet side street whilst blaring Del Amitri from the sound system….. “Roll to ME, Bay-bee!” reportedly heard from my open sunroof.

Here’s the bed I chose:

I took this pic with my cell. (Of course.) The bed had a name…something like “Ice Rocket Behemoth Polaris Conquistador”, or something similar…I forget. It has a built-in control panel, cool water mister (in your choice of three different aromas…I am NOT making this up), stereo music and your choice of beef or chicken for the main course.

I took advantage of all the amenities except the “aroma-misting”…(although, I made the 9-year-old girl that worked there activate it so I could “smell the smells”…as I really didn’t feel the need to have my makeup smeared or otherwise spritzed away…even though she swore it wouldn't…this from a girl who has no pores whatsoever…) and it certainly seemed to bask, sun-like, on all areas of my exposed skin.

As exciting as this adventure in tanning was, I’m going to “downgrade” to the more traditional bed for the remainder of my gift certificate:

….so as to get the most “bang” for Sue’s much-appreciated buck.

And the verdict? See for yourself:


Yes, it seems I’ve become quite the exhibitionist lately, eh? Well, before you know it, summer'll be a distant memory and modesty will undoubtedly return, so...as Billy Ocean so eloquently put it: “Get it while you can!”